well looky who finally updated

Yeesh--I don't know when the last time was I actually wrote in here...it's been a while!
A few days ago Jon visited me, to see the Reel Big Fish concert here, and to just plain visit me. I found him on Wednesday before I was about to give my...COLLOQUIUM presentation! dum, dum, DUM!
The dreaded colloquium presentation! Once I got up there and started talking, I just kept going, not thinking, not pausing, just talking and going through slides. I seem to have talked really fast. Fisher made the comment, that if I would have talked slower it would have been twice as long! I definitely went way too fast, and it was definitely pretty short regardless. But Fisher read me the reviews on Friday, and they were all pretty good--well I think he might have just only read me the good parts, but there was a decent amount, some were pretty interesting. Anyway, I have been feeling soooooo relieved now that that is over and I never have to think about it again! yays!
Later that evening Jon and I went to the concert. We just sat on the bleachers, it got kind of boring for me after a while, because I didn't know really any of their songs, and I was uncomfortable. Additionally, I saw Rob there, and I'm pretty damned sure he saw me too. *sigh* I hate that my mere presence makes him so unhappy or in pain. I'm looking forward to school ending for the fact that I won't be inflicting my presence on him any longer, and *hopefully* it will be easier for him to move on and such.
Jon spent the night that night. Next day we went out to eat, then I got some toys in this stressbuster kit my parents sent me through the school--so we goofed around with them for a while. All and all it was nice. It was weird tho, because I have known him since I was in high school, I'd say I've known him even four years perhaps, but we haven't spent a whole lot of time together, seeing as how mostly he lives in Maryland. And for a fair amount we didn't really talk to each other at all. But I feel like I've known him for a long time, yet I only have a few memories of things we've done together because we rarely get to see each other.
Overall I think it was a good visit, it was nice to talk to him (in person) after so long and to goof around with him some. It's been a really long time since I did that with him. I just wish I could help him with some of the things in his life, but I dont think I can, for one reason, that I'm nowhere near his life ever!
Friday evening just as Charmed was over, there was a knock at my door. I answer it, expecting it to be one of Carly's random friends, but, suprise...its Emily! I was in total shock for a good 30 seconds! She just randomly started driving and ended up here. She stayed for a few hours--it was really nice to get to talk to her for a while, and a cool suprise. We goofed around, and talked about school and such. It's always nice to be reassured that I still have one good, old friend, that I feel I will always have. Someone I get along with so well, and I don't have to worry about pissing off so much. Someone there's no pressure or judgement with, just fun and acceptance and caring. Although I don't really get to see her much anymore either, we're not really a part of each other's daily lives, but I think we still are a part of each other somehow, just not as much as we used to be.
Today (saturday) I decided (well I decided before today) to go visit Emrys at his college, as he had been wanting me to visit him for a long time. I was proud of myself--I made it the whole way out there without really getting lost or anything, and it was a place I had never been before-first time I've done anything like that. Although truly, I was only on like two different roads, so it wasn't really a huge feat. Eventually I met his new girlfriend. We didn't talka whole lot; neither one of us were highly talkative. I broke down a little (after she had left--but not really about her) with Emrys, just me crying, feeling depressed and alone. I think it was just because I have all this leftover feeling and stuff for Emrys; I used to be able to do that with him all the time, I was so open and so close to him. So its all very weird and new for me now to not be. I held back some stuff though, because I don't want to open up to him like that anymore. He's just my friend--and besides he has someone else now, so I dont feel compelled at all to be really close to him. I don't want to be. He tries though, he wants to be my friend and everything. Which is fine and such. I just don't know....I just don't know how to deal with things. Being there, when they were together, just made me feel so alone, and desperately want a new relationship, a happy, positive, (attractive) one. I began feeling inadequate and bad that I was alone. I know I shouldn't, but that's what I felt. It's hard to think about sometimes tho--all of it. So on the drive back I just tried my best to put it out of my mind. Which is what I want to do now as well.

I've realized that me not having to go to any more classes, and my only one actual final is at 1pm on Monday, is going to wreak havoc on my sleeping schedule. Well rather, I'm going to allow it to totally throw me off whack. Because if I don't have to get up early, I'm 10x more easily inclined to stay up much too late, and thusly get up much too late. I just got back from Emrys' at like 2am. And now I'm staying up even later! I'll end up getting later tomorow, thus the viscious cycle begins. *sigh*
I have so many ambitions plans for myself, but I can't do any of them, if I don't get up at a reasonable hour! And unfortunately for me, the easiest thing for me to do is to stay up really late.
Ok, I think I'm done with this now. I think I actually am getting tired, thank goodness, and I...well...I'm just tired.

(no subject)

I just woke up, and I'm feeling very sick--my cold is not going away yet, and I'm feeling rather lonely as well. Kind of misdirected. I don't know what to do. I mean, I realize I have tons of work, re: finals to do, but I don't want to get down to it right yet. And there are other practical things I could do, but I don't feel like it yet. I just feel so lonely and....lost perhaps?
I think last night just mixed up my emotions a lot.
Carly's leaving today, so I will have all of this week to spend alone totally in my room. There are obvious good and bad points of this. Like, I won't have a phone or a fridge at all, seeing as how they are both hers. But at least I won't have to watch MTV or some other stupid show all the damned time.
I am definitely looking forward to Thursday when I can go home. I am a little concerned about my huge history essay test, and my E&M take home tests. But sometimes apathy comes in handy, as it prevents me from stressing unnecessarily over things that I can't do much about.
School is over, I just need to finish up these tests and get through just a little more shit. Then I'll be at home. Will home be better? I won't have as many peers around me, I'll be lonlier in a sense, because I won't even have the few acquantaces I have here to talk to me occasionally, and I won't have as much activity or discipline. But I'll have my family, I won't have lots of stupid schoolwork to do, and perhaps I will improve something given all the free time. And then my birthday will be coming up, and who knows what else. And then I'll be in Georgia, which is a whole uncomprehensible thing. As I was driving home last night, I saw a plane above me, and I got really scared at the thought of riding on one. I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle it, I'm too afraid of death to do many things. I don't really know handle the majority of stuff in my life. I'm still not handling the situation with Emrys well at all. I hate it so much. I wish there was some way that I could either deal with it very well or just not have to deal with it at all. Although most of the time I try not to think about it. I'm just not well-adjusted enough or non-selfish enough to be able to properly handle some things. They just make me feel so sick and miserable. Sometimes I feel that the only way I'll ever be really over it all, and okay with it all is when or if I find someone I am more attracted to, and become more closer to, and love more than I did Emrys. Part of the reason being around them makes me feel so inadequate and left out. God I hate it. I hate it all so much.
I want to be his friend, because he's one of the people in the world I've been closest to, and because I do love him so much. But still, as I've said, sometimes I just feel like ending it all and living separate lives from each other entirely from now on. It's just so hard to see myself replaced in so many ways, and I just interpret it all negatively. I know this is selfish of me, I mean I've been with two people after him, hell I left him in order to be with one of them, practically. But you know what, I don't care. My feelings don't matter enough, they don't affect him or anyone else, so why the hell not be selfish about it. I'm the only one being put into misery over it. I don't know how to deal with it and not feel like this. I'm not doing it on purpose, these are my natural feelings, and I don't know what to do about them!
I wish I could live life instead of thinking about living it all the time. I wish I didn't have to spend so much time here alone and miserable. I wish I had someone, anyone, to do things with. But I know everytime I think about doing something, I desperately don't want to do it alone, because I'm always alone and its just unberable sometimes! So I don't do things because its easier to stay in my room and numb myself to being alone then to trying to do something and not having anyone to do it with; that would make it much more apparent.
How will things be at home? Well I can spend lots of time with my family, they are truly the only people I have at home to spend any time with. Emily will be back home eventually, so I can possible hang out with her a few times, but that's it. Jess still isn't speaking to me, and she's going to be in Pittsburgh all summer anyway, at least she was the last time we were talking. If we were still talking I would go visit her, but alas, I cannot do that now. The only other people I might spend time with is Jackie or Vanessa. But I'm not really great friends with either of them, and it might just get boring or awkward if we do anyway. I might be babysitting my cousin's baby, which might prove to be enjoyable. I won't be doing it for long periods of time on end, just short every now and again. And hopefully be getting paid for it. As for Georgia though, I can't really begin to conceive of most of that now anyway. It's too big and too far away.
Alas, I fear it is time for me to start my day (yeah, at noon!)

i have issues

OK, no more relationships ever. Ever.
I can't help but keep feeling like I want Rob back, just want to be close to him again, and want him to be all mine. But its hard to let go of him. Sometimes I think it would be easier actually if I didn't see him anymore, so I didn't have to feel anything towards him, because when I see him (as you can guess, he just walked past my window) I feel all those feelings of longing and desire and compassion and everything. Gah, what is wrong with me. This is so annoying and frustrating!!!!!!
Why the fuck can't I get over anyone. Well I'm over Jon, and I'm basically over Shane, plus I never see either of them, and even when I have recently, it was fine. But Emrys, and Rob. Bah! No sanity there. Dammit! It appears I am emotionally unstable. Aha, but that's nothing new. Maybe I should just ignore it. Ignore Rob, not think about all the good things and everything I miss, and just wait for school to be over here, me to be out of here, so I can stop thinking about him and stop missing him and wanting him back. JUST STOP THINKING ABOUT HIM! I have to keep reminding myself (and its hard sometimes) about why I ended the relationship and remembering the bad stuff, well the feelings I had of disconnectedness, unhappiness, dissatisfaction, how he really wasn't what I wanted. I need to focus on that to get me through my feelings. I know I won't do anything like try to talk to him now, but God knows I want to. But well for one thing, its a little frelling late. And for another, it wouldnt be right. I know that, but I feel something different. I need to get my feelings and emotions in harmony with what I know is right.
Alright, I'm done. Well maybe. I have to keep studying for my stupid ass hard history final tomorow. Blah.
I just want to be free of this place and all the problems it brings me.