ghanimasun (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ghanimasun) wrote2003-04-27 11:35 am
ghanimasun) wrote2003-04-27 11:35 am
(no subject)
I just woke up, and I'm feeling very sick--my cold is not going away yet, and I'm feeling rather lonely as well. Kind of misdirected. I don't know what to do. I mean, I realize I have tons of work, re: finals to do, but I don't want to get down to it right yet. And there are other practical things I could do, but I don't feel like it yet. I just feel so lonely and....lost perhaps?
I think last night just mixed up my emotions a lot.
Carly's leaving today, so I will have all of this week to spend alone totally in my room. There are obvious good and bad points of this. Like, I won't have a phone or a fridge at all, seeing as how they are both hers. But at least I won't have to watch MTV or some other stupid show all the damned time.
I am definitely looking forward to Thursday when I can go home. I am a little concerned about my huge history essay test, and my E&M take home tests. But sometimes apathy comes in handy, as it prevents me from stressing unnecessarily over things that I can't do much about.
School is over, I just need to finish up these tests and get through just a little more shit. Then I'll be at home. Will home be better? I won't have as many peers around me, I'll be lonlier in a sense, because I won't even have the few acquantaces I have here to talk to me occasionally, and I won't have as much activity or discipline. But I'll have my family, I won't have lots of stupid schoolwork to do, and perhaps I will improve something given all the free time. And then my birthday will be coming up, and who knows what else. And then I'll be in Georgia, which is a whole uncomprehensible thing. As I was driving home last night, I saw a plane above me, and I got really scared at the thought of riding on one. I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle it, I'm too afraid of death to do many things. I don't really know handle the majority of stuff in my life. I'm still not handling the situation with Emrys well at all. I hate it so much. I wish there was some way that I could either deal with it very well or just not have to deal with it at all. Although most of the time I try not to think about it. I'm just not well-adjusted enough or non-selfish enough to be able to properly handle some things. They just make me feel so sick and miserable. Sometimes I feel that the only way I'll ever be really over it all, and okay with it all is when or if I find someone I am more attracted to, and become more closer to, and love more than I did Emrys. Part of the reason being around them makes me feel so inadequate and left out. God I hate it. I hate it all so much.
I want to be his friend, because he's one of the people in the world I've been closest to, and because I do love him so much. But still, as I've said, sometimes I just feel like ending it all and living separate lives from each other entirely from now on. It's just so hard to see myself replaced in so many ways, and I just interpret it all negatively. I know this is selfish of me, I mean I've been with two people after him, hell I left him in order to be with one of them, practically. But you know what, I don't care. My feelings don't matter enough, they don't affect him or anyone else, so why the hell not be selfish about it. I'm the only one being put into misery over it. I don't know how to deal with it and not feel like this. I'm not doing it on purpose, these are my natural feelings, and I don't know what to do about them!
I wish I could live life instead of thinking about living it all the time. I wish I didn't have to spend so much time here alone and miserable. I wish I had someone, anyone, to do things with. But I know everytime I think about doing something, I desperately don't want to do it alone, because I'm always alone and its just unberable sometimes! So I don't do things because its easier to stay in my room and numb myself to being alone then to trying to do something and not having anyone to do it with; that would make it much more apparent.
How will things be at home? Well I can spend lots of time with my family, they are truly the only people I have at home to spend any time with. Emily will be back home eventually, so I can possible hang out with her a few times, but that's it. Jess still isn't speaking to me, and she's going to be in Pittsburgh all summer anyway, at least she was the last time we were talking. If we were still talking I would go visit her, but alas, I cannot do that now. The only other people I might spend time with is Jackie or Vanessa. But I'm not really great friends with either of them, and it might just get boring or awkward if we do anyway. I might be babysitting my cousin's baby, which might prove to be enjoyable. I won't be doing it for long periods of time on end, just short every now and again. And hopefully be getting paid for it. As for Georgia though, I can't really begin to conceive of most of that now anyway. It's too big and too far away.
Alas, I fear it is time for me to start my day (yeah, at noon!)
I think last night just mixed up my emotions a lot.
Carly's leaving today, so I will have all of this week to spend alone totally in my room. There are obvious good and bad points of this. Like, I won't have a phone or a fridge at all, seeing as how they are both hers. But at least I won't have to watch MTV or some other stupid show all the damned time.
I am definitely looking forward to Thursday when I can go home. I am a little concerned about my huge history essay test, and my E&M take home tests. But sometimes apathy comes in handy, as it prevents me from stressing unnecessarily over things that I can't do much about.
School is over, I just need to finish up these tests and get through just a little more shit. Then I'll be at home. Will home be better? I won't have as many peers around me, I'll be lonlier in a sense, because I won't even have the few acquantaces I have here to talk to me occasionally, and I won't have as much activity or discipline. But I'll have my family, I won't have lots of stupid schoolwork to do, and perhaps I will improve something given all the free time. And then my birthday will be coming up, and who knows what else. And then I'll be in Georgia, which is a whole uncomprehensible thing. As I was driving home last night, I saw a plane above me, and I got really scared at the thought of riding on one. I don't know how I'm going to be able to handle it, I'm too afraid of death to do many things. I don't really know handle the majority of stuff in my life. I'm still not handling the situation with Emrys well at all. I hate it so much. I wish there was some way that I could either deal with it very well or just not have to deal with it at all. Although most of the time I try not to think about it. I'm just not well-adjusted enough or non-selfish enough to be able to properly handle some things. They just make me feel so sick and miserable. Sometimes I feel that the only way I'll ever be really over it all, and okay with it all is when or if I find someone I am more attracted to, and become more closer to, and love more than I did Emrys. Part of the reason being around them makes me feel so inadequate and left out. God I hate it. I hate it all so much.
I want to be his friend, because he's one of the people in the world I've been closest to, and because I do love him so much. But still, as I've said, sometimes I just feel like ending it all and living separate lives from each other entirely from now on. It's just so hard to see myself replaced in so many ways, and I just interpret it all negatively. I know this is selfish of me, I mean I've been with two people after him, hell I left him in order to be with one of them, practically. But you know what, I don't care. My feelings don't matter enough, they don't affect him or anyone else, so why the hell not be selfish about it. I'm the only one being put into misery over it. I don't know how to deal with it and not feel like this. I'm not doing it on purpose, these are my natural feelings, and I don't know what to do about them!
I wish I could live life instead of thinking about living it all the time. I wish I didn't have to spend so much time here alone and miserable. I wish I had someone, anyone, to do things with. But I know everytime I think about doing something, I desperately don't want to do it alone, because I'm always alone and its just unberable sometimes! So I don't do things because its easier to stay in my room and numb myself to being alone then to trying to do something and not having anyone to do it with; that would make it much more apparent.
How will things be at home? Well I can spend lots of time with my family, they are truly the only people I have at home to spend any time with. Emily will be back home eventually, so I can possible hang out with her a few times, but that's it. Jess still isn't speaking to me, and she's going to be in Pittsburgh all summer anyway, at least she was the last time we were talking. If we were still talking I would go visit her, but alas, I cannot do that now. The only other people I might spend time with is Jackie or Vanessa. But I'm not really great friends with either of them, and it might just get boring or awkward if we do anyway. I might be babysitting my cousin's baby, which might prove to be enjoyable. I won't be doing it for long periods of time on end, just short every now and again. And hopefully be getting paid for it. As for Georgia though, I can't really begin to conceive of most of that now anyway. It's too big and too far away.
Alas, I fear it is time for me to start my day (yeah, at noon!)