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i have problems
Apr. 24th, 2003 07:54 pmAHhh, I am getting so annoyed at life. Why? Because 1, I saw Rob at the concert last night, and 2, I just saw Rob as I was walking out of the AC. Now, I have no problem personally with seeing Rob. I really like Rob and wish we were friends again. But I know that him seeing me is hard for him. And I HATE IT. I did not want to hurt him. I miss him, and I still do love him. But I don't love him to the extent he loves me, and I can't be with someone I don't feel right being with. Although sometimes I feel very compelled to be with him again. I have to keep reminding myself its not right.
This is what makes me NEVER WANT TO GET INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP EVER AGAIN! I care about him, and love him, but yet I think everyone hates me. All his friends probably hate me, and everything. I dont want our friendship to be over. Yes I messed things up, but I dont want my mere presence to cause him pain and encourage all his friends to feel so awful for him. Not that they shouldnt, but I just hate that I am causing so much badness. IT FRUSTRATES THE HELL OUT OF ME. Gah, it makes me so angry, its hard to explain though what kind of angry it is. Not angry at him or his friends, just angry that things are like this. Angry that he still cares about me so much, because I don't deserve it and I can't care about him the same. Some times when I see him I just desperately want to run to him and hug him and have everything be OK for him. But I don't, I know its not right, because I know I was not completely satisfied or happy in the relationship. I wasn't unhappy, it just wasnt everything I wanted, and I felt there was somethign lacking. I just wish I could have loved him as much as I wanted to or as he loved me, or at least have him not love me as much and therefore be over me now, and not to have him and his friends all get silent when I pass, and hear them like apologize to him! Fuck that shit. Gah that pisses me off. I don't want to be that person! I fucking love Rob! Just because I can't love him in the way or extent to which he loves me, doesn't mean I hate him or want to cause him pain or want to be such a negative influence on his life. Ah, Emily just sent me some Monty Python thing about the uses of the word fuck. I'm thinking, I like that word now. FUCK FUCK FUCK. There that works.
I dont knwo. What the fuck am I supposed to do.
I don't fucking care. Well I do care, as I wouldn't have written this shit if I didn't. But there isnt a fucking thing I can do about it. So I'm not going ot think about it. Think positive. Being upset over this isnt going to help *anyone* and its just making me unhappy.
Think happy thoughts
(like being done with my colloquium!)
This is what makes me NEVER WANT TO GET INTO ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP EVER AGAIN! I care about him, and love him, but yet I think everyone hates me. All his friends probably hate me, and everything. I dont want our friendship to be over. Yes I messed things up, but I dont want my mere presence to cause him pain and encourage all his friends to feel so awful for him. Not that they shouldnt, but I just hate that I am causing so much badness. IT FRUSTRATES THE HELL OUT OF ME. Gah, it makes me so angry, its hard to explain though what kind of angry it is. Not angry at him or his friends, just angry that things are like this. Angry that he still cares about me so much, because I don't deserve it and I can't care about him the same. Some times when I see him I just desperately want to run to him and hug him and have everything be OK for him. But I don't, I know its not right, because I know I was not completely satisfied or happy in the relationship. I wasn't unhappy, it just wasnt everything I wanted, and I felt there was somethign lacking. I just wish I could have loved him as much as I wanted to or as he loved me, or at least have him not love me as much and therefore be over me now, and not to have him and his friends all get silent when I pass, and hear them like apologize to him! Fuck that shit. Gah that pisses me off. I don't want to be that person! I fucking love Rob! Just because I can't love him in the way or extent to which he loves me, doesn't mean I hate him or want to cause him pain or want to be such a negative influence on his life. Ah, Emily just sent me some Monty Python thing about the uses of the word fuck. I'm thinking, I like that word now. FUCK FUCK FUCK. There that works.
I dont knwo. What the fuck am I supposed to do.
I don't fucking care. Well I do care, as I wouldn't have written this shit if I didn't. But there isnt a fucking thing I can do about it. So I'm not going ot think about it. Think positive. Being upset over this isnt going to help *anyone* and its just making me unhappy.
Think happy thoughts
(like being done with my colloquium!)
