internal stress

today at work they had me doing something a little different--it was basically just data entry, not answering phones. i did it once before and i liked it better. i happy to have done ti today too, much better than answering the phone. the only one bad thing is my right arm and hand gets tired really fast from all the typing on the keypad. but hey at least i am gettng really good at they numberpad!
anyway, after work ellie and i went to the humane society to see if they had a dog for my grandpa for fathers day. she wants to get him a cocker spaniel and they had one but it wasnt very friendly. they hda another dog that was nicer but she didnt want ot get him one that wasnt a cocker. she didnt like the one up there though anyway.
lately i am feeling stressed out about leaving. it wasnt really a reality until i started telling people about it. i told my aunt and grandpa and cousin today. well my grandpa asked me about it because ellie probably told him. they all seemed to think it was not so hot of an idea. my one cousin had even thought i had broken up with travis! yikes. i guess that goes to show you how little they actually know about my life. which now that i actually think about it, makes me less inclined to consider their reactions. because hell she didnt know i was even still with him, so how they know if it would be good or bad for me to go out there? ugh. i'm just so stressed out and confused. this is very difficult and upsetting and hard for me. i really dont know what ot do or think about anything. and now there was like an earthquake out in california today. which just scares me even more about going out there! i dont know. i try to compare things, and the opportunities that lie within each. i mean, i am really doing jack shit here and it is really completely pointless for me to continue doing what i'm doing for much longer. my parents want me ot get a job at this technology place here, but that would be pointless too! i would sitll be living with my parents, with no social life outside my family, nothing to explore, or do or enjoy. i'm not learning anything or trying anything new. and hell if im not doing it now, when am i going to do it? i think, that at least in california, though i wont really have any family, i'll have travis. and i can essentially do anything with him. we can go places, try new things. theres alot more to do out there (the main catch is the money, the second one is transportation). i just feel so anxious and stressed inside now because all of this is happening. i mean its a big change all of a sudden after being in such a rut for the past two months. i havent really been thinking or feeling or doing much of anything hte past few months. just going to work, entertaining myself with tv or computer, and going to work again. i probably have gained more weight and havent made any significant improvements with my relationships with my friends. although next weekend i am going ot see jonathan for the first time in probalby two years.
i'm just so scared and unsure of everything. and i have no confidence in my decisions or what i'm going to or should do. i'm so lost and confused. yet nothing has changed in my life really. its weird hwo i can do the exact same things this week as i did last week, nothing significant has changed in my life, except that i am now dealing realistically with the thought of moving. and its stressing me out!
ugh. unrelated i have to work from 8am till 830pm saturday, with a half hour break between my two jobs in between.....
no it doesnt sound fun to me either!
heh i could think--what about all the money i'll be making. but at ekcerd, you can never really thing something like that.