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workday thoughts
Jul. 14th, 2003 12:48 pmI'm at work right now, and because my stupid advisor isn't here and I don't have the motivation or understanding enough of my project to do any work on it now, I've been doing what I do best: wasting time.
I started clearing out all my email accounts of old or stupid emails that I had saved for some reason or another. Then I began what I suspected I might do at some point--reading all the old emails I had saved from Jessica. And that did what I expected it to do; it made me sad and reminiscent and made me get all emotional and feel all kinds of things. The feeling of loss and loneliness due to the lack of friends in my life lately is only hitting me slowly. I guess I've grown so accustomed to it on some levels, that it's hard for me to hold on to and remember what it was like to have people like Jessica and Emily there for me all the time.
I realized while reading the emails how much I knew about Jessica and her life at one point (and the same can be said about other people too) and how insanely little I really know about her life and her now. It has of course inspired me to want to write her an email expressing all this stuff and trying to become closer with her. But I don't know if I will yet.
I realized, in reading the emails, how introspective she is and sensitive and observant and just amazing. And I realized, that if I was like that before, I'm not anymore. This really upset and saddened me. Perhaps I've lost so much since high school. I don't know if I ever had it, or where it has gone if I have lost it. I've shut myself off from people to an extent. This is nothing new to me, I've been realizing that for a while now. Let's think now...in college the people I have become remotely close to. There's Emrys, which is his own weird story. We were so close when we were together. That was a long time ago now, that I think about it. Like two years ago. I don't know if that seems like a lot of time or not. I mean, so much stuff has happened between now and then that I can recognize, but also, I can remember being with him quite clearly. Meeting Miranda my freshmen year was one of the best things that had happened to me then. We were able to have so much fun together, and we were even able to become close. Now that is something that does seem a long time ago. Even though I can remember clearly spending time with her and talking with her, it just feels like its been so long since we've had that type of relationship. I am very grateful to have her in my life now, even though it is in a distant extent. (It's still new to me to become friends with people, then lose the situation which you had together and be separated but still be friends. I'm not really experienced in that.) Then there was Julia. Who is a great person, but even in my entire year of living with her, we never became really close. I never really opened up to her a lot, I never pushed anything or pushed the boundaries of our relationship/what we talked about (something which I have become worse and worse at doing, leading to very static, somewhat shallow relationships). There was also Shane, but that is a relationship that, as I have said before, I am very glad is over. I don't really hold any illusions about being friends with him at all anymore. Not that I want to avoid him, I just don't feel any desire to stay in close touch with him. As for my relationship with Rob, that mostly amounted to pain being felt on both sides too much. I wasn't able to see what I (hope) I am able to see now. That just because someone likes you, doesn't mean you should get into a relationship with him. I wasn't thinking seriously about whether or not or how much I truly liked him. (Not that I didn't like him, I still love him as a friend, but like him enough to want to get into a relationship with him.) I was unable to see how things were affecting him sometimes because he was so used to being so closed off to other people. I helped him to open up some to me, which might have been a mistake, I don't know. I say that because it might have just made the whole thing more painful for him in the end. I regret that a lot of things happened with him teh way they did. I learned something though, but I learned it the hard way, at his expense somewhat. I learned not to stay in a relationship that you aren't really in. It took me a while to realize how I felt, and it took me a lot of courage to express the way I felt, mostly because I knew the pain that it would cause him. *sigh* But enough of that. I have made other friends at college, but most of them I would only call mere acquaintances, people like Erin, Bob, Christy, etc. I have never had any kind of friendship relationship in college like I had with Emily or Jessica in high school.
Although being here (in Georgia) is such a short time in my life, I feel I have learned a few things here and that I have actually gotten to know people somewhat. The extent to which I have gotten to know them is probably the extent that I know most of the people at my college, but its still something. And some of the people here, for the short time I have known them, mean more to me than a lot of the people I have met at college.
I learn from people, but I don't think about it nearly enough to really understand and comprehend all I learn. I think it would be wise of me to write much mroe in here of my thoughts and feelings on thigns like this; to think more indepthly on them. I realize, from reading the emails, that that's the sort of thing Jess or Emily and I used to write to each other about. But now I'm not in the position with anyone to do that. So I guess that's what this is here for. For me anyway.
I'm thinking about writing Jessica, and possibly some other people emails, but I don't know if I should, or if it would matter, or if I have the strength and ability to do so.
Sometimes I get so scared because I feel like I can't hold everything i want to in my mind; it starts slipping away, and I stop thinking about it. I just want to hold onto it so I can analyze it and feel it and understand it properly, but sometimes it's just so hard for me to keep it all in my head. It's become so easy for me to shut off, and stop. Maybe that is an actual effect of my having been (still being?) depressed. I don't know, I don't know what it is. I don't know if its really anything or if I'm just crazy abotu a lot of things.
I don't think I really accomplished or got to write about what I wanted to here, but I did get to write about something, and it has made me feel better I think. (I think one of my problems is, I have a fear of committing--of committing to certain feelings and decisions or paths in life.)
I think I should stop now, because I am really at work,a nd should be working, and also because I think I ought to get some lunch.
I started clearing out all my email accounts of old or stupid emails that I had saved for some reason or another. Then I began what I suspected I might do at some point--reading all the old emails I had saved from Jessica. And that did what I expected it to do; it made me sad and reminiscent and made me get all emotional and feel all kinds of things. The feeling of loss and loneliness due to the lack of friends in my life lately is only hitting me slowly. I guess I've grown so accustomed to it on some levels, that it's hard for me to hold on to and remember what it was like to have people like Jessica and Emily there for me all the time.
I realized while reading the emails how much I knew about Jessica and her life at one point (and the same can be said about other people too) and how insanely little I really know about her life and her now. It has of course inspired me to want to write her an email expressing all this stuff and trying to become closer with her. But I don't know if I will yet.
I realized, in reading the emails, how introspective she is and sensitive and observant and just amazing. And I realized, that if I was like that before, I'm not anymore. This really upset and saddened me. Perhaps I've lost so much since high school. I don't know if I ever had it, or where it has gone if I have lost it. I've shut myself off from people to an extent. This is nothing new to me, I've been realizing that for a while now. Let's think now...in college the people I have become remotely close to. There's Emrys, which is his own weird story. We were so close when we were together. That was a long time ago now, that I think about it. Like two years ago. I don't know if that seems like a lot of time or not. I mean, so much stuff has happened between now and then that I can recognize, but also, I can remember being with him quite clearly. Meeting Miranda my freshmen year was one of the best things that had happened to me then. We were able to have so much fun together, and we were even able to become close. Now that is something that does seem a long time ago. Even though I can remember clearly spending time with her and talking with her, it just feels like its been so long since we've had that type of relationship. I am very grateful to have her in my life now, even though it is in a distant extent. (It's still new to me to become friends with people, then lose the situation which you had together and be separated but still be friends. I'm not really experienced in that.) Then there was Julia. Who is a great person, but even in my entire year of living with her, we never became really close. I never really opened up to her a lot, I never pushed anything or pushed the boundaries of our relationship/what we talked about (something which I have become worse and worse at doing, leading to very static, somewhat shallow relationships). There was also Shane, but that is a relationship that, as I have said before, I am very glad is over. I don't really hold any illusions about being friends with him at all anymore. Not that I want to avoid him, I just don't feel any desire to stay in close touch with him. As for my relationship with Rob, that mostly amounted to pain being felt on both sides too much. I wasn't able to see what I (hope) I am able to see now. That just because someone likes you, doesn't mean you should get into a relationship with him. I wasn't thinking seriously about whether or not or how much I truly liked him. (Not that I didn't like him, I still love him as a friend, but like him enough to want to get into a relationship with him.) I was unable to see how things were affecting him sometimes because he was so used to being so closed off to other people. I helped him to open up some to me, which might have been a mistake, I don't know. I say that because it might have just made the whole thing more painful for him in the end. I regret that a lot of things happened with him teh way they did. I learned something though, but I learned it the hard way, at his expense somewhat. I learned not to stay in a relationship that you aren't really in. It took me a while to realize how I felt, and it took me a lot of courage to express the way I felt, mostly because I knew the pain that it would cause him. *sigh* But enough of that. I have made other friends at college, but most of them I would only call mere acquaintances, people like Erin, Bob, Christy, etc. I have never had any kind of friendship relationship in college like I had with Emily or Jessica in high school.
Although being here (in Georgia) is such a short time in my life, I feel I have learned a few things here and that I have actually gotten to know people somewhat. The extent to which I have gotten to know them is probably the extent that I know most of the people at my college, but its still something. And some of the people here, for the short time I have known them, mean more to me than a lot of the people I have met at college.
I learn from people, but I don't think about it nearly enough to really understand and comprehend all I learn. I think it would be wise of me to write much mroe in here of my thoughts and feelings on thigns like this; to think more indepthly on them. I realize, from reading the emails, that that's the sort of thing Jess or Emily and I used to write to each other about. But now I'm not in the position with anyone to do that. So I guess that's what this is here for. For me anyway.
I'm thinking about writing Jessica, and possibly some other people emails, but I don't know if I should, or if it would matter, or if I have the strength and ability to do so.
Sometimes I get so scared because I feel like I can't hold everything i want to in my mind; it starts slipping away, and I stop thinking about it. I just want to hold onto it so I can analyze it and feel it and understand it properly, but sometimes it's just so hard for me to keep it all in my head. It's become so easy for me to shut off, and stop. Maybe that is an actual effect of my having been (still being?) depressed. I don't know, I don't know what it is. I don't know if its really anything or if I'm just crazy abotu a lot of things.
I don't think I really accomplished or got to write about what I wanted to here, but I did get to write about something, and it has made me feel better I think. (I think one of my problems is, I have a fear of committing--of committing to certain feelings and decisions or paths in life.)
I think I should stop now, because I am really at work,a nd should be working, and also because I think I ought to get some lunch.
