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"he just ordered a giant glass of milk!"
Jul. 16th, 2003 02:21 amWell I just spent like two hours talking with my roommate about all kinds of stuff.
Today was an interesting day at work; I actually had stuff to do...and kind of maybe even learned a thing or two for once. It's due basically to the fact that my mentor actually decided to show up today. But, alas he's not going to be here tomorow. And then its only Thurs. and Friday I can see him, because he's not even going to be here the last week I'm here. Argh. I think if he had showed up more often and was spending more time with me, I probably would have been inclined to ask more questions, and thus have learned more. Grrr on him.
We also went to a talk today where a guy told us, in part, about graduate schools and the process for getting accepted and stuff. I haven't really thougth much about the whole thing, because, I really don't know if I'm going to or want to go. Most people here seem to think I should, or are just telling me to go. But I don't know what I want to do. I don't know how to choose or figure out what. Anyway, I don't know if I want to take the GRE's or not, because they look hard as hell, and I honestly don't know shit about physics, and I don't knwo if I feel like preparing a lot for some tests about some subject I don't even know if I like all the time.
I got really ambitious about doing things, things I have planned for the upcoming schoolyear and stuff while I was at work today, but unfortunately, when I got back I ended up losing all of it and forgetting most of what I had been thinking about. I ended up renting some movies with my roommate and a girl down the hall, and watching Ghost World with them. After that my roommate and I just ended up talking for a while, and then it was 2am.
I hate to say it, but I became greatly disappointed today that I didn't get to spend really any time today with the guy I like (guy T). I'm worried that he might have went out with some people and I missed out on it. But, well its not like they wanted me to go, seeing as how they didnt ask. But really, I don't know what was going on. I just heard voices (his in particular--hes not hard to miss, hes pretty loud) in the hall. And I was terribly curious and desperate to know what was going on/what he was up to, but I just suppressed it. I'm kind of annoyed with myeslf that I can be so concerned with spending time with him sometimes. But I guess its because theres so little time left, and I just like him. So I suppose I'm being selfish in a way, but I don't think its any horrible bad thing. I just want him. I know I can't have him, but I want to at least spend time with him while theres still and opportunity, and I want him to want to spend time with me too, but that doesn't seem to be the case.
It's hard to like yourself sometimes when no one else seems to want to spend time with you. (Now I can't say that no one here does like me or want to hang out with me, because my roommate and I hang out together pretty much all the time, which can get a little old sometimes. And also because another girl from down the hall actually came and knocked on our door today, so she seemed to want to at least spend some time with us.) Sometimes though I just dislike myself so much, and wish I could be different, so I could be someoen people would invite places more and want to hang out with more. I don't entirely know what it is about me that is so off-putting to people. I mean some of it I can guess at or assume at, but not entirely.
And I hate this feeling of disappointment and frustration and longing I get from not getting to spend enough time with guy T. I don't really know what to do about it. What will end up happening is I'll just deal with it, with not getting to spend much time with him, until I leave. And then I can easily get over it.
*sigh*
Well the other day I did get to talk to guy M about the stuff I had been wanting to talk with him about. It was kind of weird, because it was somewhat of a while ago. And it was also weird because I have usually not had the feeling where I've wanted to say something to a guy, and I just was like thinking about it in my head and trying to think of what to say and how to say it. I usually don't have that issue ever, so it was new to like be rehearsing something, and be worried about saying it or sounding dumb. But it was at least something, to hear his thoughts on it, even though he wasnt overly forthcoming, it was much better than the absolutely nothing I was going on before.
Now if I could only just spend every day till I leave with guy T!
Argh.
It is fun being single though.
I just wish I could control my feelings better for guy T, so I wouldn't care so much if I get to spend time with him or not.
I also wish I knew what the hell I was going to do for my presentation of my project, and understood any part of it, enough to talk for 15 minutes. But that's a whole other complaining entry that I have no desire ot think about now.
I think I'll just end here.
I don't know how I feel, I just feel like I want some kind of action, something to happen. But I don't think anything significant is going to happen at all in my time remaining here.
Today was an interesting day at work; I actually had stuff to do...and kind of maybe even learned a thing or two for once. It's due basically to the fact that my mentor actually decided to show up today. But, alas he's not going to be here tomorow. And then its only Thurs. and Friday I can see him, because he's not even going to be here the last week I'm here. Argh. I think if he had showed up more often and was spending more time with me, I probably would have been inclined to ask more questions, and thus have learned more. Grrr on him.
We also went to a talk today where a guy told us, in part, about graduate schools and the process for getting accepted and stuff. I haven't really thougth much about the whole thing, because, I really don't know if I'm going to or want to go. Most people here seem to think I should, or are just telling me to go. But I don't know what I want to do. I don't know how to choose or figure out what. Anyway, I don't know if I want to take the GRE's or not, because they look hard as hell, and I honestly don't know shit about physics, and I don't knwo if I feel like preparing a lot for some tests about some subject I don't even know if I like all the time.
I got really ambitious about doing things, things I have planned for the upcoming schoolyear and stuff while I was at work today, but unfortunately, when I got back I ended up losing all of it and forgetting most of what I had been thinking about. I ended up renting some movies with my roommate and a girl down the hall, and watching Ghost World with them. After that my roommate and I just ended up talking for a while, and then it was 2am.
I hate to say it, but I became greatly disappointed today that I didn't get to spend really any time today with the guy I like (guy T). I'm worried that he might have went out with some people and I missed out on it. But, well its not like they wanted me to go, seeing as how they didnt ask. But really, I don't know what was going on. I just heard voices (his in particular--hes not hard to miss, hes pretty loud) in the hall. And I was terribly curious and desperate to know what was going on/what he was up to, but I just suppressed it. I'm kind of annoyed with myeslf that I can be so concerned with spending time with him sometimes. But I guess its because theres so little time left, and I just like him. So I suppose I'm being selfish in a way, but I don't think its any horrible bad thing. I just want him. I know I can't have him, but I want to at least spend time with him while theres still and opportunity, and I want him to want to spend time with me too, but that doesn't seem to be the case.
It's hard to like yourself sometimes when no one else seems to want to spend time with you. (Now I can't say that no one here does like me or want to hang out with me, because my roommate and I hang out together pretty much all the time, which can get a little old sometimes. And also because another girl from down the hall actually came and knocked on our door today, so she seemed to want to at least spend some time with us.) Sometimes though I just dislike myself so much, and wish I could be different, so I could be someoen people would invite places more and want to hang out with more. I don't entirely know what it is about me that is so off-putting to people. I mean some of it I can guess at or assume at, but not entirely.
And I hate this feeling of disappointment and frustration and longing I get from not getting to spend enough time with guy T. I don't really know what to do about it. What will end up happening is I'll just deal with it, with not getting to spend much time with him, until I leave. And then I can easily get over it.
*sigh*
Well the other day I did get to talk to guy M about the stuff I had been wanting to talk with him about. It was kind of weird, because it was somewhat of a while ago. And it was also weird because I have usually not had the feeling where I've wanted to say something to a guy, and I just was like thinking about it in my head and trying to think of what to say and how to say it. I usually don't have that issue ever, so it was new to like be rehearsing something, and be worried about saying it or sounding dumb. But it was at least something, to hear his thoughts on it, even though he wasnt overly forthcoming, it was much better than the absolutely nothing I was going on before.
Now if I could only just spend every day till I leave with guy T!
Argh.
It is fun being single though.
I just wish I could control my feelings better for guy T, so I wouldn't care so much if I get to spend time with him or not.
I also wish I knew what the hell I was going to do for my presentation of my project, and understood any part of it, enough to talk for 15 minutes. But that's a whole other complaining entry that I have no desire ot think about now.
I think I'll just end here.
I don't know how I feel, I just feel like I want some kind of action, something to happen. But I don't think anything significant is going to happen at all in my time remaining here.
