(no subject)

It's sometimes very strange or discomforting or just comes as a suprise to me every now and agian....to be around so many people, and none of them, no one is a familiar face. To not see anyone you really know for over a week and be essentially in the company of strangers for so long. Sometimes it just hits me all of a sudden, how I haven't seen anyone I know for a while. It's kind of weird. Sometimes it makes me feel really lonely. Sometimes I just feel really bad because I don't know anyone that well yet, because I don't talk much and I'm unable to get to know people in groups really.
And its just discerning not seeing any I know for so long.

(no subject)

It's weird how the most random things can get me depressed sometimes. Like say, going to the Rec Center thing to play basketball with people here. Even though I sucked and was useless basically the entire time and barely said a word to anyone, that was ok. That's unforunately expected of me already. But for some reason, coming back into my room right after, I feel very depressed. Part of it is my own fault, screwing myself up in my own head. I need to be kicked or something. Something to get me to not make myself so down. I think part of it also might be me feeling a little guilty for not reading or doing *anything* to do with my project here over the weekend. I mean I feel like I'm doing nothing, and hes probably giving me so little to do because I am the biggest dumbass here and don't understand shit. So if I actually started to understand stuff then maybe we could move on. But I haven't done anything to help myself to try to understand it. I'm so lost and out of touch. I need to completely relearn how to socialize. I need to just plain learn how to be part of a group. Part of me wants to cry but part of me isn't touched enough, doesn't feel it enough to even be able to cry.
I just want to feel.