ghanimasun | (no subject)

It's weird how the most random things can get me depressed sometimes. Like say, going to the Rec Center thing to play basketball with people here. Even though I sucked and was useless basically the entire time and barely said a word to anyone, that was ok. That's unforunately expected of me already. But for some reason, coming back into my room right after, I feel very depressed. Part of it is my own fault, screwing myself up in my own head. I need to be kicked or something. Something to get me to not make myself so down. I think part of it also might be me feeling a little guilty for not reading or doing *anything* to do with my project here over the weekend. I mean I feel like I'm doing nothing, and hes probably giving me so little to do because I am the biggest dumbass here and don't understand shit. So if I actually started to understand stuff then maybe we could move on. But I haven't done anything to help myself to try to understand it. I'm so lost and out of touch. I need to completely relearn how to socialize. I need to just plain learn how to be part of a group. Part of me wants to cry but part of me isn't touched enough, doesn't feel it enough to even be able to cry.
I just want to feel.