ghanimasun (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ghanimasun) wrote2007-08-21 11:34 pm
ghanimasun) wrote2007-08-21 11:34 pm
the new apartment!
Well its only been more than two weeks and I finally have this internet thingy in my brand new apartment. I've been here for a while. I've gotten bored pretty often. I've done some slightly producive stuff. I've drank too much (and I'm drinking now). I've been excruciatingly lonely.
I like living alone. I like being alone. But I don't like not having anyone to call up to socailize with, to go do something with, to talk to in person. Thats what makes me lonely. I'm so lonely. I feel horrible because of it.
My apartment is a good size and a nice one. I am happy with it. I am also completely broke. I bought a bed, my parents gave me a table, and my cousin gave me an end table. And I am borrowing a chair from my parents. And that is the extent of my furntiure. So it makes my apartment feel not-so-homey. Most of my stuff is just lying on the floor. My kitchen is the best stocked room in the apartment. And only one person that I am not related to (or that is Travis) has seen it. And that was awesome, seriously. I had a friend for a night and I felt good. I got to be social and sharing. It was amazing. Which is good. But which also makes me cry because thats all I've had in months. And I'm so fucked up and lonely. I feel like I"m not learning fast enough how to live on my own and be productive and do all the things I want and meet people so I'm not so totally alone. I feel like a failure. And I'm drinking again. Partly just because I finally have the internet. Mostly because one relaxing beer turns into three pretty easily.
Why do you think I write out such details of my life on here? The answer is because I'm so lonely and isolated I have no one else to share them with. I have no one. I have nothing. I can still feel slightly depressed from time to time even with the medication. It's not that bad because its not like the depression I felt before.
I try not to think about the fact that I am on medication. I just swallow the pills and try to be productive for myself. I should write on here more because it makes me think more about myself than I do, or have done normally. I would think not having any internet, tv or anything would have pushed me into more deeper thoughts over the past few days here at my apartment, but it hasn't really. I've just distracted myself in any other way. Its easier for me to think when I have someone to talk about things with. And yes, I have Travis, but one person can only go so far. And one person can only provide a certain amount of socialization.
I love Travis and I hope I'm with him forever. But I can't survive without anyone else in my life. And thats what I'm doing now.
My therapist says basically I have to decide what I'll sacrifice in order to have friends. Like, how picky do I want to be versus how desperate am I? Well I'm not desperate enough to try to make friends with some of the women at work who are so ingrained in social norms and all the sexism and popular culture in the world that I can't relate to at all. I'm not willing to be friends with any idiot who I come into contact with. I need some people to relate to. Who aren't all about their kids, or about drama at work, or about whatever people are about. I can't even list stuff because I'm so fucking cut off from the world I don't know what people do that is annoying! I only go to work, listen to podcasts all day, talk to Travis about trivial things and goof around with him, come home and be isolated for the rest of the day. Then do it all again.
Am I still a person if no one talks to me? If no one knows me?
I feel like my apartment could be totally awesome looking. But like everything in life, I suck at interior designing. Also I can't afford a couch. And finally, it would be incredibly hard to bring any large furniture into my apartment because it is on the third floor and the flights of stairs are very narrow and do not accommodate large furniture. Getting my bed (which is just a mattress) into my apartment was an ordeal enough. Also, what is the point of making my apartment totally awesome if nobody ever sees it, except once or twice a year on holidays when my two friends come to this shitty town to visit?
I am happy to be in my new apartment. I have been more productive (as far as reading and exercising and eating well goes) in the past two weeks than I had been in months living at my parents house. And hopefully that will continue despite the fact that now I have internet accecss and will probalby become more addicted to useless stuff.
I have a lot of social anxiety. My medication hasn't helped that much. That's a hard thing to overcome. Especially for me who has no clue. My cousin talked about going to a bar that I like (that has great beers) and invited me to go with her and her friend. This sounds great, right? Awesome beer, hanging out with my cousin and her friends. But the idea strikes me with stress and anxiety.
And a woman at work invited me to go to Pittsburgh with her and her friendss to see a band we both like in concert in a few weeks. Of course I said yes. But my initial internal reaction was, no way! That is way to stressful, scary and insurmountable. I was afraid of dealing with whatever situation that presented. It sounds so tiring, stressful and difficult. I am scared to go. But I can't say I really want help and want to change and want friends if I turn down the only offer I have received to socialize in like a year by someone who I am not related to in this town. But it still sounds fucking hard. It should sound like fun. It should be awesome. And I hope it goes really well. But I can't help being nervous about it. I can't help half dreading it. And I automatically recoil from such things.
That is some of what social anxiety feels like. It's different for everyone and its different in every situation. But I have to address it directly in order to overcome it.
Thank you to my friend who I got to see recently. I'm not eloquent enough to say anything other thank thank you.
Thank you to my one friend who wrote me a letter at my new apartment. I am going to write you back.
Thank you to everyone else who kwows I'm alive and still a person.
You're really all I've got.
I like living alone. I like being alone. But I don't like not having anyone to call up to socailize with, to go do something with, to talk to in person. Thats what makes me lonely. I'm so lonely. I feel horrible because of it.
My apartment is a good size and a nice one. I am happy with it. I am also completely broke. I bought a bed, my parents gave me a table, and my cousin gave me an end table. And I am borrowing a chair from my parents. And that is the extent of my furntiure. So it makes my apartment feel not-so-homey. Most of my stuff is just lying on the floor. My kitchen is the best stocked room in the apartment. And only one person that I am not related to (or that is Travis) has seen it. And that was awesome, seriously. I had a friend for a night and I felt good. I got to be social and sharing. It was amazing. Which is good. But which also makes me cry because thats all I've had in months. And I'm so fucked up and lonely. I feel like I"m not learning fast enough how to live on my own and be productive and do all the things I want and meet people so I'm not so totally alone. I feel like a failure. And I'm drinking again. Partly just because I finally have the internet. Mostly because one relaxing beer turns into three pretty easily.
Why do you think I write out such details of my life on here? The answer is because I'm so lonely and isolated I have no one else to share them with. I have no one. I have nothing. I can still feel slightly depressed from time to time even with the medication. It's not that bad because its not like the depression I felt before.
I try not to think about the fact that I am on medication. I just swallow the pills and try to be productive for myself. I should write on here more because it makes me think more about myself than I do, or have done normally. I would think not having any internet, tv or anything would have pushed me into more deeper thoughts over the past few days here at my apartment, but it hasn't really. I've just distracted myself in any other way. Its easier for me to think when I have someone to talk about things with. And yes, I have Travis, but one person can only go so far. And one person can only provide a certain amount of socialization.
I love Travis and I hope I'm with him forever. But I can't survive without anyone else in my life. And thats what I'm doing now.
My therapist says basically I have to decide what I'll sacrifice in order to have friends. Like, how picky do I want to be versus how desperate am I? Well I'm not desperate enough to try to make friends with some of the women at work who are so ingrained in social norms and all the sexism and popular culture in the world that I can't relate to at all. I'm not willing to be friends with any idiot who I come into contact with. I need some people to relate to. Who aren't all about their kids, or about drama at work, or about whatever people are about. I can't even list stuff because I'm so fucking cut off from the world I don't know what people do that is annoying! I only go to work, listen to podcasts all day, talk to Travis about trivial things and goof around with him, come home and be isolated for the rest of the day. Then do it all again.
Am I still a person if no one talks to me? If no one knows me?
I feel like my apartment could be totally awesome looking. But like everything in life, I suck at interior designing. Also I can't afford a couch. And finally, it would be incredibly hard to bring any large furniture into my apartment because it is on the third floor and the flights of stairs are very narrow and do not accommodate large furniture. Getting my bed (which is just a mattress) into my apartment was an ordeal enough. Also, what is the point of making my apartment totally awesome if nobody ever sees it, except once or twice a year on holidays when my two friends come to this shitty town to visit?
I am happy to be in my new apartment. I have been more productive (as far as reading and exercising and eating well goes) in the past two weeks than I had been in months living at my parents house. And hopefully that will continue despite the fact that now I have internet accecss and will probalby become more addicted to useless stuff.
I have a lot of social anxiety. My medication hasn't helped that much. That's a hard thing to overcome. Especially for me who has no clue. My cousin talked about going to a bar that I like (that has great beers) and invited me to go with her and her friend. This sounds great, right? Awesome beer, hanging out with my cousin and her friends. But the idea strikes me with stress and anxiety.
And a woman at work invited me to go to Pittsburgh with her and her friendss to see a band we both like in concert in a few weeks. Of course I said yes. But my initial internal reaction was, no way! That is way to stressful, scary and insurmountable. I was afraid of dealing with whatever situation that presented. It sounds so tiring, stressful and difficult. I am scared to go. But I can't say I really want help and want to change and want friends if I turn down the only offer I have received to socialize in like a year by someone who I am not related to in this town. But it still sounds fucking hard. It should sound like fun. It should be awesome. And I hope it goes really well. But I can't help being nervous about it. I can't help half dreading it. And I automatically recoil from such things.
That is some of what social anxiety feels like. It's different for everyone and its different in every situation. But I have to address it directly in order to overcome it.
Thank you to my friend who I got to see recently. I'm not eloquent enough to say anything other thank thank you.
Thank you to my one friend who wrote me a letter at my new apartment. I am going to write you back.
Thank you to everyone else who kwows I'm alive and still a person.
You're really all I've got.