is this what is happening?

[ghanimasun]

It is so very strange, and confusing.
Now that we are planning to leave, I am hesitant and concerned.
I feel reasons to want to stay here, now that we are (probably) leaving. I am confused by this.
I think part of it is the reason we are leaving. Going home because my grandpa is so sick, is not a positive reason to do so However, I think that is only part of it. I think also it is because I really haven't had any time to plan for the move. It's all come upon us so suddenly, and we really don't know what we're doing. We're trying to get someone to sublease our apartment (take over our lease, so we can leave it) however it is somewhat slow going.
And then we are going to drive back. That is going to be very slow going, in its essence. And its not like a casual, drive for fun and leisure. It's a drive because my grandpa is sick and I need to get back to help my family.
Travis really wants to go. This is very suprising to me, and confusing. Especially since he is the one that left me there last year around this time.
Life is so strange. We have just kept yo-yoing back and forth.
Hopefully this will be the last time.
We are planning on working and staying in Johnstown for a while...to see how my grandpa is doing and what is going to happen with that. To take care of my cousin and everything. And saving up money. Then we will move to somewhere on the east coast so Travis can to go dealer school and start that job. I don't know what I want to do yet. The chances that I will ever have a clear career path are very unlikely.
Really the only thing that is going on now is one day at a time. Just trying to see what is going to happen and what we are going to end up doing.
I'm so despesseed, confused and very scared.
I'm scared to leave this place I don't like. This place I have wanted to leave for months.
Now I don't want to go back. Maybe it's just because of my grandpa.
I do not know.

I do not know what is going to happen.

Comments

[dragonwing.livejournal.com]

You probably forgot about me, but I do read your entries, and I am very sorry that you are going through a hard time, Adrienne. Nothing is more difficult than having someone close to you be sick. I myself lost two relatives to cancer this week alone, and very nearly lost my mother just four months ago (gosh, has it been four months already?).

Try to understand that the best thing you can do is go to him. You are doing the right thing. And let Travis support you. He is obviously a good guy, and he will be your rock. Life will take care of itself.

-Kim

[ghanimasun]

Hi Kim,
No I haven't forgotten about you, however I did not realize you still read my entries.
Thank you for your supporting words, they are helpful. I am sorry to hear about the losses you have gone through lately. And I am also glad to hear that your mother is doing well now.
I am still so very stressed and anxious about everything, but I am just sort of doing it, because it does seem like the right thing to do, even though it is all so strange.
Thanks again for your words and thoughts.