ghanimasun (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ghanimasun) wrote2006-03-15 12:44 pm
ghanimasun) wrote2006-03-15 12:44 pm
(no subject)
i was just walking back to my desk, saw it was someones birthday. i thought to myself: oh it wont be my birthday for a while, they wont have to decorate for me cos i might not even be here.
then it hit me like a punch in the stomach---it WILL be my birthday soon. Less than two months now. i got (and am) really sick when i realized this simple, innocent fact. it is going to be my birthday soon and i'm going to be older and it makes my situation and life look even more bleak and pitiful and sad and pathetic and HORRIBLE.
i literally just waste time some days just to get through the day and onto the next day. just to sort of make time go faster and thats the faster i get out of here. when i say here, i think i mean CA, but i'm not really sure. i dont think i allow myself to realize how much i might dislike things here (or even like some things) or how dissatisfied i am with my life because i dont think about it enough.
i have tried countless times to get a hold of my life and find some direction or desires or goals or ambitions.
recently ive been so incredibly BORED with everying. my job is boring, my home life is boring. i think that the boredom stems from disinterest in a lot of things. which might possibly stem from depression? who knows.
i dont knwo how to snap myself out of this. but really i dont think that is realistic, because this is just simply who i am. i am always feeling like i am waiting. i don't knwo how to stop waiting and planning. i dont know how to be really satisified.
i am going back east as soon as this lease is up. sometimes i cant even stand how much it tears me up to be far away from everyone i know and care about in the world, besides one. travis will go with me because he loves me and he doesnt want to live without me, but i dont know how much he wants to be in the east. he just wants to play poker, and he can do that there. he wants to go back to school too, well at least sometimes he does. but as soon as our lease is up we're going back. i don't want to wallow in my misery while i'm here. and i really havent been so far. but this new discovery of my impending birthday is making me currently miserable.
i just want to be productive and make the most of being here since i am stuck here.
but i dont know how.
i have to go to lunch...
then it hit me like a punch in the stomach---it WILL be my birthday soon. Less than two months now. i got (and am) really sick when i realized this simple, innocent fact. it is going to be my birthday soon and i'm going to be older and it makes my situation and life look even more bleak and pitiful and sad and pathetic and HORRIBLE.
i literally just waste time some days just to get through the day and onto the next day. just to sort of make time go faster and thats the faster i get out of here. when i say here, i think i mean CA, but i'm not really sure. i dont think i allow myself to realize how much i might dislike things here (or even like some things) or how dissatisfied i am with my life because i dont think about it enough.
i have tried countless times to get a hold of my life and find some direction or desires or goals or ambitions.
recently ive been so incredibly BORED with everying. my job is boring, my home life is boring. i think that the boredom stems from disinterest in a lot of things. which might possibly stem from depression? who knows.
i dont knwo how to snap myself out of this. but really i dont think that is realistic, because this is just simply who i am. i am always feeling like i am waiting. i don't knwo how to stop waiting and planning. i dont know how to be really satisified.
i am going back east as soon as this lease is up. sometimes i cant even stand how much it tears me up to be far away from everyone i know and care about in the world, besides one. travis will go with me because he loves me and he doesnt want to live without me, but i dont know how much he wants to be in the east. he just wants to play poker, and he can do that there. he wants to go back to school too, well at least sometimes he does. but as soon as our lease is up we're going back. i don't want to wallow in my misery while i'm here. and i really havent been so far. but this new discovery of my impending birthday is making me currently miserable.
i just want to be productive and make the most of being here since i am stuck here.
but i dont know how.
i have to go to lunch...