ghanimasun | a little chat

Tonight I got to talk to Emily on the phone for a while (though not as long as I might ahve liked) and it was really nice. I think it's cheered me up a bit and helped me feel a little better. I enjoyed it a lot, I think I needed it. It was cut short by the other people in the house needed the phone. I can understand that. What I can't understand is how people can stand living in households with so many people! It's totally crazy, I don't know who would ever want this! I don't feel like I can really do anything I want, and I have like no control over practically anything. It's crazy. I'm looking forward to moving out only for control, independence and freedom. I want my on place for once! Last night Travis and I had some beer and got drunk. I had some kind of breakdown. I cried and I said a lot of crazy things and feelings. I felt so messed up and confused and lost and upset. I think that helped me feel better in a way or too as well. But I'm not sure. I'm still feeling depressed though, I still really have no real job prospects. Two maybes, which is keeping me going. Yesterday I felt okay, Travis was home all day and we did some stuff and it was nice. Talking to Emily was nice. By now I'm losing all my nice stuff and I'm going downhill again. I'm starting to feel depressed again. Really unhappy. I don't know what to do. I'm going to keep on going. It's just hard to press forward when there's nothing I'm moving towards. Nothing I know of anyway.
I honestly dont know how I feel right now. And as I'm typing this I started looking at my fingers and I became totally amazed at how I can actually type. The letters are all in random places on the keyboard, but my fingers know where to go to make them make words. It honestly seems like such a daunting task, I don't have a clue how I can manage to do it! It's totally crazy.
Well, now I'm off to spend time in the basement again. I wish I was happier.