ghanimasun (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ghanimasun) wrote2003-09-25 06:00 pm
ghanimasun) wrote2003-09-25 06:00 pm
i was blind
So I found out what I had expected. It's good that I had been trying to tell myself this before (but it's bad I could never really accept it). Last night I realized that he doesn't like me. How did I find this out so surely? Well, because he asked out some other girl last night. And there's really no getting around that.
How, oh how do I get over him?
Then I ask myself, should I even bother trying to get over him? The only person it's really affecting at all is me. It's my problem, and I'm the only one going to be in pain over it. I mean, maybe it would help to make me stronger....if I go on really caring about him in silence and passivity. It would make me stronger to care about him so much and see him with and try to deal with him being happy with someone else. It's not like I ever had him so its not like I'd feel that type of jealousy or anything. Am I strong enough to do that? I don't know how to have strength, I only know how to do jealousy, anguish, pain and weakness. Maybe strength is just sucking it up, dealing with it and not doing anything about it. Just feeling internally, but controlling it all and keeping it in. Well, in trying to keep with my inactive desire to try to change myself and become better/different, I think I shall try this. I won't try to get over him. I'll just try to enjoy him, and control myself. It'll be like a little experiment on myself, by myself.
I'll just have to wait and see how it goes.
Last night was a really weird night. Part of the night I felt rather rejected, unwanted and very unappealing in a lot of ways (basically all stemming from him asking that other girl out-it was like a slap in the face almost). Then I got drunk (probably due in part to how I was feeling). Things just got weirder from there. Details will be left to those who really want to know, and ask me in person. Nothing extreme or amazing or awful happened....just mostly weird.
I don't know what's going on now, except that he likes someone else a lot more than he has ever liked me, and I need to somehow deal with that.
How, oh how do I get over him?
Then I ask myself, should I even bother trying to get over him? The only person it's really affecting at all is me. It's my problem, and I'm the only one going to be in pain over it. I mean, maybe it would help to make me stronger....if I go on really caring about him in silence and passivity. It would make me stronger to care about him so much and see him with and try to deal with him being happy with someone else. It's not like I ever had him so its not like I'd feel that type of jealousy or anything. Am I strong enough to do that? I don't know how to have strength, I only know how to do jealousy, anguish, pain and weakness. Maybe strength is just sucking it up, dealing with it and not doing anything about it. Just feeling internally, but controlling it all and keeping it in. Well, in trying to keep with my inactive desire to try to change myself and become better/different, I think I shall try this. I won't try to get over him. I'll just try to enjoy him, and control myself. It'll be like a little experiment on myself, by myself.
I'll just have to wait and see how it goes.
Last night was a really weird night. Part of the night I felt rather rejected, unwanted and very unappealing in a lot of ways (basically all stemming from him asking that other girl out-it was like a slap in the face almost). Then I got drunk (probably due in part to how I was feeling). Things just got weirder from there. Details will be left to those who really want to know, and ask me in person. Nothing extreme or amazing or awful happened....just mostly weird.
I don't know what's going on now, except that he likes someone else a lot more than he has ever liked me, and I need to somehow deal with that.