ghanimasun (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ghanimasun) wrote2003-09-21 02:44 am
ghanimasun) wrote2003-09-21 02:44 am
It's never going to happen
It's never going to happen.
I didn't really plan on thinking about him tonight, but I signed on IM late, and he was on and he started talking to me. And I am trying to force myself to accept the fact that's staring me in the face, and that's been under the surface since forever.
It's never going to happen.
I went to visit my cousin today and take some pictures for my class. That went all right.
Now I'm sitting in my room, it's late, and I'm left with a feeling of disappointment and a tinge of sadness. His conversations usually confuse me, but the fact that they give me no strong signs, should indicate that there's no strong feelings. The confusion is myself reading into things that are not meaningful in the way that I want them to be.
Why then, when I feel that this all true, can I not let go of the undercurrent of feelings I have? Now, I know they're not that strong; I'm not in love with him, I don't really know him all that well. But yet I still have these desires and longings for him (which only seem to be increasing, now as I actually put it into words and coherent thought--this writing in here just makes me express myself and think further, which seems to only lead to driving me in deeper to what I feel, which in this case isn't necessarily good).
Why cannot my logical knowledge of what I beleive to be true not control my desires and feelings?
Well of course I know why. In some ways anyway.
I'm not sure I feel strongly enough yet for me to say my feelings are that strong. I wish they were. I definitely don't want to try to nourish them in this situation in particular, just to get them trampled upon and lost. I obviously don't have the objectivity to view this situation with any kind of clarity, so I can't really logically talk about what's going on with any kind of semblance of fact. I can only say what I interpret, which is very much biased and not always observed properly.
I need to just let him go out of my mind. Why then is it so hard to; he's only been there for a few weeks at most, and yet I can't push him aside completely. (This feeling is not new to me, it's just something I haven't experienced in a while so I'm not used to dealing with it). I could go on in this line of thought for a while, but I'm getting tired. And I should realize it's pointless and remember the first line I wrote of this entry.
*sigh*
I really need some female friends.
I didn't really plan on thinking about him tonight, but I signed on IM late, and he was on and he started talking to me. And I am trying to force myself to accept the fact that's staring me in the face, and that's been under the surface since forever.
It's never going to happen.
I went to visit my cousin today and take some pictures for my class. That went all right.
Now I'm sitting in my room, it's late, and I'm left with a feeling of disappointment and a tinge of sadness. His conversations usually confuse me, but the fact that they give me no strong signs, should indicate that there's no strong feelings. The confusion is myself reading into things that are not meaningful in the way that I want them to be.
Why then, when I feel that this all true, can I not let go of the undercurrent of feelings I have? Now, I know they're not that strong; I'm not in love with him, I don't really know him all that well. But yet I still have these desires and longings for him (which only seem to be increasing, now as I actually put it into words and coherent thought--this writing in here just makes me express myself and think further, which seems to only lead to driving me in deeper to what I feel, which in this case isn't necessarily good).
Why cannot my logical knowledge of what I beleive to be true not control my desires and feelings?
Well of course I know why. In some ways anyway.
I'm not sure I feel strongly enough yet for me to say my feelings are that strong. I wish they were. I definitely don't want to try to nourish them in this situation in particular, just to get them trampled upon and lost. I obviously don't have the objectivity to view this situation with any kind of clarity, so I can't really logically talk about what's going on with any kind of semblance of fact. I can only say what I interpret, which is very much biased and not always observed properly.
I need to just let him go out of my mind. Why then is it so hard to; he's only been there for a few weeks at most, and yet I can't push him aside completely. (This feeling is not new to me, it's just something I haven't experienced in a while so I'm not used to dealing with it). I could go on in this line of thought for a while, but I'm getting tired. And I should realize it's pointless and remember the first line I wrote of this entry.
*sigh*
I really need some female friends.