ghanimasun (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ghanimasun) wrote2003-09-15 06:00 pm
ghanimasun) wrote2003-09-15 06:00 pm
i'm hungry
This is inspired by nothing, except my own thinking on the subject.
Even though I do enjoy spending time with him and being his friend, I don't know how to stop deluding myself to what I really want, and what I know will never happen.
It's so easy to always want him, and always try to read into little things, but its somewhat unhealthy I think, for me. Because I get all deluded and start wanting more.
I need to think more logical about this. I think it might help if I wrote more of it out here, so I would have a medium on which to think on it more clearly and work through it better. I also think that it is a *much* smaller deal than I am making it out to be. But, well...who cares? It's my journal and I can agonize over whatever I feel like in it!
I really need people in my life. I am realizing that more now that I am with people occasionally. But I need more. I think that I have gotten so used to the emptiness and loneliness in my life that it isn't always as apparent. It's like a constant dull pain that I've just gotten used to. But now that I'm being awakened somewhat to things, it's becoming...well, not more apparent, because its always apparent to me, but I'm just longing more for the enjoyment I have in the time I spend with him. I do want to spend mroe time with him, but I want other people too. I just want connections.
Sometimes, for no strong reason at all (i.e. now) I feel very, very lonely and sad.
How can I be so cut off from the world sometimes? Sometimes I don't even realize how much, because I'm not used to being around people and talking to them. I forget what it's like, I forget how and when to do it.
I think--but I'm not sure--that I need to be more pushy. Let people know that I'm here, that I do matter, and that I do want to be part of things. I thought people just didn't include me because they didn't like me or want to spend time with me, but now I think it may be because they just don't notice me or think of me. I suppose that is not as bad, but it's still sad.
Even though I do enjoy spending time with him and being his friend, I don't know how to stop deluding myself to what I really want, and what I know will never happen.
It's so easy to always want him, and always try to read into little things, but its somewhat unhealthy I think, for me. Because I get all deluded and start wanting more.
I need to think more logical about this. I think it might help if I wrote more of it out here, so I would have a medium on which to think on it more clearly and work through it better. I also think that it is a *much* smaller deal than I am making it out to be. But, well...who cares? It's my journal and I can agonize over whatever I feel like in it!
I really need people in my life. I am realizing that more now that I am with people occasionally. But I need more. I think that I have gotten so used to the emptiness and loneliness in my life that it isn't always as apparent. It's like a constant dull pain that I've just gotten used to. But now that I'm being awakened somewhat to things, it's becoming...well, not more apparent, because its always apparent to me, but I'm just longing more for the enjoyment I have in the time I spend with him. I do want to spend mroe time with him, but I want other people too. I just want connections.
Sometimes, for no strong reason at all (i.e. now) I feel very, very lonely and sad.
How can I be so cut off from the world sometimes? Sometimes I don't even realize how much, because I'm not used to being around people and talking to them. I forget what it's like, I forget how and when to do it.
I think--but I'm not sure--that I need to be more pushy. Let people know that I'm here, that I do matter, and that I do want to be part of things. I thought people just didn't include me because they didn't like me or want to spend time with me, but now I think it may be because they just don't notice me or think of me. I suppose that is not as bad, but it's still sad.