ghanimasun (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ghanimasun) wrote2003-08-06 11:28 pm
ghanimasun) wrote2003-08-06 11:28 pm
it's all so fragile
Today I woke up at 8am with the news that my dad had been in a car accident. As we drove to the hospital in Westmoreland, my mom told me what happened.
My dad was stopped at a red light in the left turning lane. Apparently another driver coming down the road fell asleep at the wheel, drifted into my dads lane and slammed him from behind, pushing my dad into the oncoming traffic where he was hit again on the side by another car. His car ended up in a parking lot.
I've heard that if my dad hadn't had his seat belt on, he probably wouldn't be very well, much less alive.
My dad is okay. He is rather decent in comparison as to what may be expected from something like this. He has a cut on his face, a bruise on his knee. I think some of his ribs are bruised. His side really hurts and he will likely be in more pain in the coming days, but as of now everything seems okay. Luckily.
The car is totaled; the back end and trunk are totally smashed in and the passenger side is totally crushed as well. If there was anyone in the passenger side, they would definitely not have fared as lucky as my dad.
My mom and I got him at the hospital this morning. We got some of his belongings that had been scattered all over the road at the accident, from his coworker, who arrived at the scene after it had happened. Then we went to get some food at Dennys.
I cried at Dennys. I cried and was upset for a number of reasons.
Partly I was upset because of a comment my dad's coworker had made, which fed a thought I had already. The thought was that my dad was not necessarily overly happy to be alive. That he wasn't glad of it. I know my dad is depressed. He does not often seem happy about some things and isn't very optimistic or positive. He seems task oriented, wants to get all the problems out of the way, just focus on doing things, like paying bills, working, fixing the cars, and then thats it. He doesn't seem to want to enjoy life, or do anything else. This is not necessarily bad or wrong, but I can tell sometimes that he isn't happy.
So I was upset because I didn't know if he was really happy to be alive still, and I was upset at the thought that I almost lost my father. I was upset that this didn't hit me as hard as it should. I mean, I felt like I should really think about it, about what it meant and what I almost lost. But I didn't a lot, and I still havent. It's not easy, and not something I can say I would enjoy.
I thought this morning, that maybe, hopefully this would cause my dad to enjoy life more or be happier or to value it more or something. But I don't know that it has. Today mostly he's been worried about figuring out insurance stuff. And he and my mom have acted in the usual way they always do (which does get annoying after a while) talking about, retalking about and saying things just to agree with each other about the accident, the insurance, etc.
Why are they always the same; why won't htey ever change! Does nothing affect them?
Since we've been home this evening my dad has been in pain, and the pain medication just seems to have made him sick. He's going to be home for the rest of the week, so I will be spending more time with him. I don't suspect that anything will change, or that we'll act any differently.
I don't think my parents understand me at all. Either that or I just don't do a well enough job explaining myself properly to them so that they can understand me. Maybe we're just too different.
We were eating dinner today and nobody was talking. This bothered me some, as what had happened this morning had happened, and I said something to the effect of "You almost died this morning and now we can't even think of anything to talk about." Saying this made me well up with tears, but by not saying anything more or pressing it I stopped them. My dad commented on something like, I wore my seatbelt, I lived. I think my mom asked what I wanted to talk about. I just don't think they understood what I meant. I didn't mean that we had to necessarily talk about what happened. Because that would have been hard, and we're not really the family for open emotions like that. But I at least thought we shoudl talk about something! ANything! I mean, he could have died, and look, weren't we lucky that he didn't, and we couldnt even talk about things to show that we were glad about it. Like talk about the food, the weather, the plans for the week! We should have taken advantadge of the fact that he was here, and conversed with each other! Ahh! I tried in a few words to explain this, but I was trying to fight back tears, and having cried in Dennys so much I wasnt in the mood to cry anymore like that.
They had both asked me what was wrong in Dennys. I explained the bit about my dad briefly, and he gave me somewhat of a response, but not one enough to quench my thoughts and reassure me completely. My mom kept asking me, but I told her I didn't want to explain it to her. Because it was more than one thing, and I, for some reason, wasn't in the mood to explain it all to them. For one thing, we were in a restaurant, and, thinking back on it now, I guess I didn't want to be selfish and blab out all of my problems, when it was my dad who was the one who deserved the attention. Plus I just didn't want to tell them. I dont know why. I did for a while after I said it, but I still didn't.
I was upset because its so hard for me to feel anymore. Because things in life don't touch me; nothing touches me strongly anymore. Because I find it so hard to trust people and believe fully what they say (Last night I was thinking about some things Reed said to me in Georgia, and if I really listened to what he said, and fully believed it and believed that he believed and thought those things about me, then in a way, he was paying me a great compliment. But at the time I didn't take it fully as such. I didn't appreciate his words or allow them to touch me as much as the should have. Why do I have such a problem believing and trusting others words?).
It felt kind of good to cry; I haven't truly done it for a long while. In a way it is like a catharsis for me (if that is the right word). Sometimes its so hard and it takes so much effort out of me, and yes it can be bad. Very bad. But some other times, it can just be... I don't know. Not bad. It just helps. It helps me to feel, and to think. Sometimes, about a lot of things, I can't talk about them without crying. It seems to be a part of me living, not just something I do when I'm sad or hurt. I don't always need it for strong emotions, but in some situations, it is inseparable. (This can sometimes be a barrier, and be very annoying or frustrating).
Sadly I've been thinking about writing in here more than once today.
A little while ago I had thought I wasn't going to write in here today because I felt so drained and didn't feel like going through all the thoughts again in order to put them down here.
But then I just sat down and wrote it.
I thought about God once today. Only truly once, and it was brief. I've lost him, I've lost religion. It felt weird; I don't know what I believe. I am so lost. But I wanted to thank Him for my dad living.
I hope that I can appreciate it, even if he does not. But I like to think and hope that he does.
I just hope that I can appreciate it more than I do. I hope that I can change something in us. And I hope that I can appreciate life much more now and appreciate others more.
I hope that I can (as I believe that I once did) appreciate life and love again, and be able to truly feel them and embrace them, and understand them better than I do now.
Sometimes I think there's no point to either. They just cause pain and they're meaningless. Maybe if I wasn't so out of touch with almost every person I know, I wouldn't feel this way. I'm so out of touch with life, and I don't really know if I know what love is anymore.
Yes I love my parents. I wouldnt have reacted like I have if I didn't. I know I love my parents. But if someone were to ask me if I loved someone who was not a family member. I do. But I dont know. Because, what does that mean? I don't know what love is, I don't know if I can experience it again. Love requires other people and connections to be involved.
Oh! How I crave relationships! I think I enjoyed Georgia because I had them, at least to an extent. I had Cece, who I did so much with, talked to every day, goofed around with. I had someone who knew me, and who enjoyed me, and who I enjoyed as well. I can say with full and complete belief that we were, for those two months, most definitely friends. Now I don't just say I'm friends with someone lightly. But we were. I don't know if I was friends with anyone else down there. Although I would never say that to them. Because it's not like I wasn't friends with them. I guess I always seem to confuse good, close friends, with friends. I also had someone I wanted, in Georgia. Which gave me some kind of small passion, even though I knew it was pointless, I usually could get some enjoyment out of it. I won't keep going on about Georgia, other to say than, I had connections there. Other people knew me, cared that I was a live, and I mattered. Yes, I have that here too, but I have only family now! I want relationships outside my family! I keep hoping that things will be different this year in college.
I'm somewhat afraid to (although I already have, as we all have) go back to the way things were, in our house, yesterday. Before my dad wrecked. I felt/feel like we should be acknowledging it in our actions and words, and act differently. Act more appreciative and open and emotional. Just do something different!
But my dad watched a movie today, as did I, and I read. We didn't talk anyomre than usual while we were at home, and there was very little alteration in our actions or words to each other. Those two can frustrate me so. But I cannot push it. I know, for one, that it would undoubtedly cause me to cry again. That never seems to help matters. It doesnt make them worse necessarily, but it doesn't really do anything great. Also I suspect that they will try to minimalize things and try to calm me down (which is irrelevant and not what I need or want!). Also it takes a lot of effort for me to try to initiate some things with them, and I have to be inspired and driven enough to do that. That usually requires strong emotions, something which I had been lacking, and which I fear will fade. I don't know what to do.
For now I feel like I've expressed a lot of what I have been thinking about in some sense or another (is it sad that this has encapsulated my thoughts of the day? is there not more of me?). I feel a bit drained, from getting up so early and from the crying and emotions of earlier today, however brief. I feel like I should stop here, but I fear if I stop thinking about it and don't keep thinking about how I should appreciate my dad's life (and indirectly, everyones life!) that I will somehow not deserve the fortune.
I fear that I will not be able to appreciate life well enough. That I'm not strong enough to hold all the emotion and love inside of me that this requires. That life requires! It is so much easier to be numb and think about it, than actually doing it.
Worry is something I'm good at. Action is not.
Should this not inspire me to take action! Why has it not!
I feel so...angry...frustrated....annoyed...disappointed...disgusted....depressed...(empty?) about myself for not doing the things I feel I should do, and just thinking about them, and writing shit over and over again in here.
Some things take more strength and courage and drive than I have in me. Some things I cannot do or even initiate on my own.
All I do is make excuses.
I'm stopping now.
Thank you, God, for my dad's life today.
My dad was stopped at a red light in the left turning lane. Apparently another driver coming down the road fell asleep at the wheel, drifted into my dads lane and slammed him from behind, pushing my dad into the oncoming traffic where he was hit again on the side by another car. His car ended up in a parking lot.
I've heard that if my dad hadn't had his seat belt on, he probably wouldn't be very well, much less alive.
My dad is okay. He is rather decent in comparison as to what may be expected from something like this. He has a cut on his face, a bruise on his knee. I think some of his ribs are bruised. His side really hurts and he will likely be in more pain in the coming days, but as of now everything seems okay. Luckily.
The car is totaled; the back end and trunk are totally smashed in and the passenger side is totally crushed as well. If there was anyone in the passenger side, they would definitely not have fared as lucky as my dad.
My mom and I got him at the hospital this morning. We got some of his belongings that had been scattered all over the road at the accident, from his coworker, who arrived at the scene after it had happened. Then we went to get some food at Dennys.
I cried at Dennys. I cried and was upset for a number of reasons.
Partly I was upset because of a comment my dad's coworker had made, which fed a thought I had already. The thought was that my dad was not necessarily overly happy to be alive. That he wasn't glad of it. I know my dad is depressed. He does not often seem happy about some things and isn't very optimistic or positive. He seems task oriented, wants to get all the problems out of the way, just focus on doing things, like paying bills, working, fixing the cars, and then thats it. He doesn't seem to want to enjoy life, or do anything else. This is not necessarily bad or wrong, but I can tell sometimes that he isn't happy.
So I was upset because I didn't know if he was really happy to be alive still, and I was upset at the thought that I almost lost my father. I was upset that this didn't hit me as hard as it should. I mean, I felt like I should really think about it, about what it meant and what I almost lost. But I didn't a lot, and I still havent. It's not easy, and not something I can say I would enjoy.
I thought this morning, that maybe, hopefully this would cause my dad to enjoy life more or be happier or to value it more or something. But I don't know that it has. Today mostly he's been worried about figuring out insurance stuff. And he and my mom have acted in the usual way they always do (which does get annoying after a while) talking about, retalking about and saying things just to agree with each other about the accident, the insurance, etc.
Why are they always the same; why won't htey ever change! Does nothing affect them?
Since we've been home this evening my dad has been in pain, and the pain medication just seems to have made him sick. He's going to be home for the rest of the week, so I will be spending more time with him. I don't suspect that anything will change, or that we'll act any differently.
I don't think my parents understand me at all. Either that or I just don't do a well enough job explaining myself properly to them so that they can understand me. Maybe we're just too different.
We were eating dinner today and nobody was talking. This bothered me some, as what had happened this morning had happened, and I said something to the effect of "You almost died this morning and now we can't even think of anything to talk about." Saying this made me well up with tears, but by not saying anything more or pressing it I stopped them. My dad commented on something like, I wore my seatbelt, I lived. I think my mom asked what I wanted to talk about. I just don't think they understood what I meant. I didn't mean that we had to necessarily talk about what happened. Because that would have been hard, and we're not really the family for open emotions like that. But I at least thought we shoudl talk about something! ANything! I mean, he could have died, and look, weren't we lucky that he didn't, and we couldnt even talk about things to show that we were glad about it. Like talk about the food, the weather, the plans for the week! We should have taken advantadge of the fact that he was here, and conversed with each other! Ahh! I tried in a few words to explain this, but I was trying to fight back tears, and having cried in Dennys so much I wasnt in the mood to cry anymore like that.
They had both asked me what was wrong in Dennys. I explained the bit about my dad briefly, and he gave me somewhat of a response, but not one enough to quench my thoughts and reassure me completely. My mom kept asking me, but I told her I didn't want to explain it to her. Because it was more than one thing, and I, for some reason, wasn't in the mood to explain it all to them. For one thing, we were in a restaurant, and, thinking back on it now, I guess I didn't want to be selfish and blab out all of my problems, when it was my dad who was the one who deserved the attention. Plus I just didn't want to tell them. I dont know why. I did for a while after I said it, but I still didn't.
I was upset because its so hard for me to feel anymore. Because things in life don't touch me; nothing touches me strongly anymore. Because I find it so hard to trust people and believe fully what they say (Last night I was thinking about some things Reed said to me in Georgia, and if I really listened to what he said, and fully believed it and believed that he believed and thought those things about me, then in a way, he was paying me a great compliment. But at the time I didn't take it fully as such. I didn't appreciate his words or allow them to touch me as much as the should have. Why do I have such a problem believing and trusting others words?).
It felt kind of good to cry; I haven't truly done it for a long while. In a way it is like a catharsis for me (if that is the right word). Sometimes its so hard and it takes so much effort out of me, and yes it can be bad. Very bad. But some other times, it can just be... I don't know. Not bad. It just helps. It helps me to feel, and to think. Sometimes, about a lot of things, I can't talk about them without crying. It seems to be a part of me living, not just something I do when I'm sad or hurt. I don't always need it for strong emotions, but in some situations, it is inseparable. (This can sometimes be a barrier, and be very annoying or frustrating).
Sadly I've been thinking about writing in here more than once today.
A little while ago I had thought I wasn't going to write in here today because I felt so drained and didn't feel like going through all the thoughts again in order to put them down here.
But then I just sat down and wrote it.
I thought about God once today. Only truly once, and it was brief. I've lost him, I've lost religion. It felt weird; I don't know what I believe. I am so lost. But I wanted to thank Him for my dad living.
I hope that I can appreciate it, even if he does not. But I like to think and hope that he does.
I just hope that I can appreciate it more than I do. I hope that I can change something in us. And I hope that I can appreciate life much more now and appreciate others more.
I hope that I can (as I believe that I once did) appreciate life and love again, and be able to truly feel them and embrace them, and understand them better than I do now.
Sometimes I think there's no point to either. They just cause pain and they're meaningless. Maybe if I wasn't so out of touch with almost every person I know, I wouldn't feel this way. I'm so out of touch with life, and I don't really know if I know what love is anymore.
Yes I love my parents. I wouldnt have reacted like I have if I didn't. I know I love my parents. But if someone were to ask me if I loved someone who was not a family member. I do. But I dont know. Because, what does that mean? I don't know what love is, I don't know if I can experience it again. Love requires other people and connections to be involved.
Oh! How I crave relationships! I think I enjoyed Georgia because I had them, at least to an extent. I had Cece, who I did so much with, talked to every day, goofed around with. I had someone who knew me, and who enjoyed me, and who I enjoyed as well. I can say with full and complete belief that we were, for those two months, most definitely friends. Now I don't just say I'm friends with someone lightly. But we were. I don't know if I was friends with anyone else down there. Although I would never say that to them. Because it's not like I wasn't friends with them. I guess I always seem to confuse good, close friends, with friends. I also had someone I wanted, in Georgia. Which gave me some kind of small passion, even though I knew it was pointless, I usually could get some enjoyment out of it. I won't keep going on about Georgia, other to say than, I had connections there. Other people knew me, cared that I was a live, and I mattered. Yes, I have that here too, but I have only family now! I want relationships outside my family! I keep hoping that things will be different this year in college.
I'm somewhat afraid to (although I already have, as we all have) go back to the way things were, in our house, yesterday. Before my dad wrecked. I felt/feel like we should be acknowledging it in our actions and words, and act differently. Act more appreciative and open and emotional. Just do something different!
But my dad watched a movie today, as did I, and I read. We didn't talk anyomre than usual while we were at home, and there was very little alteration in our actions or words to each other. Those two can frustrate me so. But I cannot push it. I know, for one, that it would undoubtedly cause me to cry again. That never seems to help matters. It doesnt make them worse necessarily, but it doesn't really do anything great. Also I suspect that they will try to minimalize things and try to calm me down (which is irrelevant and not what I need or want!). Also it takes a lot of effort for me to try to initiate some things with them, and I have to be inspired and driven enough to do that. That usually requires strong emotions, something which I had been lacking, and which I fear will fade. I don't know what to do.
For now I feel like I've expressed a lot of what I have been thinking about in some sense or another (is it sad that this has encapsulated my thoughts of the day? is there not more of me?). I feel a bit drained, from getting up so early and from the crying and emotions of earlier today, however brief. I feel like I should stop here, but I fear if I stop thinking about it and don't keep thinking about how I should appreciate my dad's life (and indirectly, everyones life!) that I will somehow not deserve the fortune.
I fear that I will not be able to appreciate life well enough. That I'm not strong enough to hold all the emotion and love inside of me that this requires. That life requires! It is so much easier to be numb and think about it, than actually doing it.
Worry is something I'm good at. Action is not.
Should this not inspire me to take action! Why has it not!
I feel so...angry...frustrated....annoyed...disappointed...disgusted....depressed...(empty?) about myself for not doing the things I feel I should do, and just thinking about them, and writing shit over and over again in here.
Some things take more strength and courage and drive than I have in me. Some things I cannot do or even initiate on my own.
All I do is make excuses.
I'm stopping now.
Thank you, God, for my dad's life today.
I don't know how much this means to you, but....
I know that you and I are not as close as we used to be, but I do want to let you know that if you would ever like to talk about anything I'll always be here for you. Even if you feel like you just need to ramble about nothing much at all. If you don't feel like chatting online you can certainly always call me, or if you'd like I'd be happy to call you.
I don't know what else to say to you. If you want it, the invitation is always open to you. If not, that's ok too. Whatever you feel you need.
Whatever you chose though, I'll be remembering you in my prayers, Ada.