my silly little life

Tuesday I went to eat "lunch" with travis at around 8pm. After I dropped him off at Target, I pulled out of the parking lot and proceeded to go through an intersection. Next thing I know, a car was crashing with mine on my life, smashing the front left of my car. I blacked out. As I came to, I heard an intense ringing in my ears, I tried to scream but I couldn't. I felt some overall pain. My airbags had both deployed and my car was filling with smoke. It took me a while to comprehend all of this and what had just happened. My ears stopped ringing, and then I couldn't breathe because of all the smoke, I opened my door. A little bit of my hair was caught in the window, I yanked it out. I see my car all smashed up, liquid (radiator fluid as it turns out) and pieces of my light and grill are all over the street. Luckily as I got out of the car, a very kind woman who was at the itnersection came right over to me and took me to her car and sat me down. She called 911, but they said that the police wouldn't come unless someone was injured or public property was damaged. I was confused, crying, upset, scared, shocked. I began to have thoughts and comprehend the situation. I told her I had AAA and she called them for me. I didn't have my wallet with me (or my card) but they sent a tow truck that came in about 15 minutes. My car was stuck in the middle of the itnersection. I asked if I should try to move it, she said no. At first I thought the other person involved in the crash had left, but she had just moved her car over to a parking lot near by. I called Travis' dad to bring my wallet and insurance stuff (I took it out of my car when it was broken into and never bothered to put anything back in). We went over to talk to the lady involved. She immediately smiled at me and tried to be really friendly. I wasn't having any of that. She wanted my insurance information, I told her it was on the way. She was talking to the lady that had helped me more. Said that this wasn't her first accident. She seemed pretty okay and calm about teh whole thing. Granted I was calmed down, but I wasn't as okay or friendly feeling as she seemed to. Well...her car still worked. I'd felt better too if my car wasnt smashed. Travis' dad and sister came eventually. We exchanged infos. Travis' sister went ot get him from Target. I had wanted to go over there so bad to get him, but I didn't really have an opportunity. Travis' dad mentioned something like, "is this the woman who hit you?" and immediately the lady said "She hit me." I had asked the woman who helped me out, what had happened, she implied she wasn't sure. Travis' dad told me not to admit or say anything about it. I honestly didn't remember really what happened. I THOUGHT the light was green as I was pulling through the intersection, but I did look away for a moment at something in the car; the next thing I know.....crash! Travis ran out once he could and I felt immediately relieved a little bit just to have him there. The towtruck came eventually. The woman who helped me gave me her name and number. The woman involved in the crash drove away in her car. (I've been thinking, and I think that the fact that her car was still obviously driveable and my car was smushed up means that she must have been going faster than me at the time? I don't know though. I can't really think about it too objectively.) They towed my car initially to a place near where we live. When we got back, I called my mom despite the fact that it was after 1am where she was. Then we called my insurance company and filed the claim. Next day I didn't go to work, Travis was off. We walked down to where my car was, cleaned out all the stuff we wanted, took some pictures. They told us the insurance company was going to move the car, and wherever they moved it to would determine if it was salvageable or not. Travis doesn't think it is. Generally I'm assuming its not going to be fixed. The lady who was involved in the accident's isnurance company called me then later that day and asked me questions/took a statement from me. My mom told me that PA has no-fault insurance, which I think means that I will get the money for my car, regardless if it was my fault or not. So basically I am just waiting for the insurance company to tell me how much I'm getting back from my little car. And Travis and I are going to buy a car then. I never, ever thought that I would be buying a car at this point in my life. I'm too young to comprehend that!
I am aware, but only on some levels, how incredibly lucky I am. The car wasn't damaged in any way on the inside. So basically I was just thrown around a bit. I had my seatbelt on, but I was very very sore that night and the next day. Thank GOD nothing worse happened to me. It's really scary. I don't think I am realizing how scary and lucky the whole thing is. I am taking too much for granted and I don't know how to stop. I don't know how to shake up my insides and make them feel like they should!
Another thing that results from this is that now I have NO CAR. And neither Travis nor I have any freedom or anything. His dad took me to work today and is going to pick me up. His sister was going to take me yesterday but I didn't go to work yesterday either. I thought....I was very close to being injured, life is precious, why waste the day at work, where I'm unhappy, when I could spend the entire day with Travis and enjoy it. Today I went to work though. We need the money; neither one of us will have very big paychecks this time around. We have to start looking into buying a car now. Ugh. Now we'll have my school payments (don't know when they're going to start, but will be at latest december) plus car payments, plus paying on his old bills/tickets. Even if we weren't paying all these bills, we still wouldn't have enough with our entire combined salaries to live on our own here! Ridiculous. We definitely need to get out of here. I don't like it here, and its much too expensive. I'm not happy usually, and he's not happy at all sometimes too.
And to add to the badness......the new president is Bush. Ugh. Well I voted. At least PA and CA went for Kerry. Blah. I'm ready to move to the UK.
I'm still figuring out what's going on in my life right now, and how I feel about things.
Even though I may be more motivated to get out of here and do something better with my life, it doesn't matter. Because we simply won't have the money for a while. And we have to continue in the mundaneness and dullness that we are in daily. Maybe I want to move somewhere in the east, maybe I want to stay in the west. I don't have a clue.
I don't know what I want or what I am thinking or what is going on quite frankly.