thoughts from california

I was going to write all about the road trip from PA to CA in here now, but I just don't feel like it. It seems like a waste. I'd rather write about how I feel now. I think I need to. I need to get my feelings out in this way.
I'm depressed. I'm sad. I'm unhappy. For the past few days or so I've been really depressed I think. Travis has started working at Target. This is a good thing. I'm really happy that he found a job and he likes it there for the most part. Which is just great :-) He's working evenings mostly (because he's going back to school in a few weeks, in the mornings). Him being gone all the time now has left me with a lot of free time. Overall this is not a bad thing. However I think it has just caused me to get more depressed and unhappy. We both sleep in late, maybe in part due to the fact that he doesn't have to go to work till late and doesn't get home till late. This might be in part why I don't feel good sometimes. We have no money, thus we really can't afford to go anywhere in the car (gas is expensive!) and we can't see anything or eat or buy anything. When he leaves for work, I just stay in the garage, watching tv, playing video games, and being really depressed. Sometimes I come upstairs, to eat, go to the bathroom, and maybe spend time with the other people in his family for a little while. But when I do I'm sometimes uncomfortable. And lately I've been crying a lot. I don't have a job. I have so little confidence that I will get a job that I don't even feel like looking anymore. I really don't know how to look for a job, and I don't know what to do about it. I just look online which is a dead end after a while, I think. I don't want a job in sales or maketing, which is what a lot of internet sites have tons of. I have no real qualifications or experience, besides my degree. My degree is worthless in my field. If I want to go into science, I need to go to school more...theres no other choice there. I dont know if I want to though. Once I find a job I will think about the possibility of grad school next year. But that's not really on the radar right now. Not having a job, and wanting one, feeling like I should have one, and essentially needing one, is very depressing and hard. I have never had a job or made money on my own, and now that I have the opportunity to do so, I can't get a job. I feel like a failure I guess. In being depressed, I cry a lot, at lots of little things (although some of it might be hormones at this point) also I have no desire to try to get a job. Sometimes I just dont see any point to doing anything. But this is hard because I am going crazy as well. There's only so long I can watch tv and play games before it makes me crazy. It would be alittle easier to bear if it was at my house, and I was more comfortable. But here, I don't even feel like going upstairs sometimes. I haven't gone anywhere for a while, and I've barely left the house for days and days. Travis is the only thing that I experience that makes me happy. I'm loving him more and more, which is nice, but it can't do everything. I still can't feel the immense love he feels for me. I can't feel it in me, like all giddy and tingly and stuff. I do love him so much, but its just not like that; though I desperately wish it was.
Life seems simpler in a way, away from school. But it doesn't seem any better yet.
It's scary sometimes being here....I don't know anyone else except the people that live in this house with me. I have no money, I don't know where anything is, and I hvae no resources except the ones they give me. I feel very dependent on them and helpless. A far cry from the independence and freedom I desired upon leaving school. Some things are hard for me here sometimes. But I'm good at adjusting and stuff. Although inside it's getting to me. I don't talk to anyone all day, except for Travis, which is not much if he's working. I wouldn't mind this if we had our own place, and I had a job. It's only the situation that is making some things so bad. I just want a job, and part of me doesnt understand why. Aside from the practical reasons, which I understand, I don't know why it's bothering me so much. Maybe because I see everyone else around me doing something productive and useful, and I feel left out and useless. Maybe it's because that's the thing everyone tells me and expects me to do at this point in my life....and I don't have a problem with that. I just don't understand totally why its upsetting me so. I just want to be productive, I guess. I want to feel good about myself, and I don't at all. And I don't have any way of doing that....without getting a job. I don't even really know what kind of a job I want. I know what kinds of a job I don't want, and I know what I might want to do, but can't because I don't have the required experience or knowledge/degree to do so. A lot of what I do seems really futile, which is why I have no desire to just look online for hours and hours anymore. There's just no outcome. Although I am sure that there are still better job opportunities for me here, than there would have been at home. I'm sure I would probably be just as depressed at home, but in a different way. In addition to the frustration and annoyance my parents would be. Don't get me wrong, I lvoe my parents, but they do drive me crazy quite quickly sometimes.
I'm not really worried about a lot of things right now. Probably because I'm not thinking about much of anything these days....because I'm so depressed and therefore more apathetic and closed off. The only thing that worries/upsets me is my lack of job, our lack of money and myself, and the situation I'm in. I can't really talk to his family sometimes. I don't think they realize at all how depressed and unhappy I am. They just think I am quiet and shy, and maybe they think I don't want to talk them. I just can't. I am shy, but I also want to talk to them. I just can't. I'm blaming everything on the depression. But I can't seem to get myself out of it, without some kind of stimulus. LIKE A JOB!
You know, I didn't realize it was already the middle of August until yesterday. I still thought it was just the beginning of the months. I've lost days...weeks...in my depression. Time goes so fast and so slow for me.
I don't know if I feel I've gotten more clarity from writing in here, or gotten just about nothing. I don't knwo how to proceed. I have small little ideas, but my problem is I just depend on one thing, and only when that falls through do I try something else.
*sigh* I don't feel like doing anything. And the only consequences of me not doing anything, are me being unhappy. Which I am regardless.
On a totally different note: California is extremely sunny, and it NEVER rains! Well I'm sure it does eventually, but it doesnt in the summer. Every day has been exactly the same weather wise. Very weird.
Additionally I've gained even more weight! I can only fit into like one pair of pants....and they're getting tight on me. I have this illusion that once I get a job and money I will have more means to get myself and shape, and therefore I will all of a sudden. I don't know if this is an unrealistic illusion, but I'm going to go with it. It's not like I can join a gym without any MONEY, and its not like I'm about to just go outside by myself and do soemthing. I'm too lonely to go out by myself and I'm too afraid as well to just walk around or something on my own. Travis and I have been swimming some though recently in the pool for the condos we live in.
Tomorow is Travis' and I's 9-month anniversary. This is now definitely my longest relationship. Overall I'm very happy in it. There's ups and downs, and fights and fun. Nothing too extreme. Sometimes I think we don't really communicate though. He always tells me the same sentiments and it gets old sometimes and doesn't really affect me that much. There's some things I wnat to tell him, but I am afraid or don't know how. Once you get into a routine or a mold, its hard to break out of it and do something new. And I usually don't have any motivation to really try. But regardless, I am still so happy with him. And I'm so greatful for him.
I dont know what else to say. So I'm going to do other stuff online, but I'm sick looking in vain for a job!!!!