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My 22nd Birthday. (MAY 12!!!!!!!)
May. 13th, 2004 01:42 amWell, today was my birthday. It didn't feel like a birthday at all. A few days ago I realized how soon it was going to be and I was totally suprised. I'm used to anticipating it and being all excited and having a special occasion. Not that today wasnt nice; it was. It's just not what I'm used to. Although that's surely the consequences of being so old. 22 isn't "so old" but it is when its the oldest you've ever been. Today Travis didn't go to work to stay home with me for my birthday (but its not a big deal when he makes it to work--being a caddy you just go whenever you awnt to try to get out). We spent the morning relaxing and eating. Then I applied at some places, we got some pictures developed and made supper. Then we went to my grandpas and had cake/ice cream, played catch and watched Angel. It wasnt a bad day. Travis was very sweet and did some stuff to make it a more special day for me. He bought me Matrix Reloaded on DVD (because it was only 8 dollars!). My cousin got me a sweater and a candle, my other cousin and grandpa gave me money. Jessica sent me a ton of online email greeting cards. That one was pretty suprising, in a nice way. I was suprised she remembered and did so much for me. I was happy everyone who remembered did. Emily did too, and I was suprised my one cousin did...but I remember my mom telling her about it last week so thats probably why she remembered it. I don't know why, but I think birthdays are important and I like to make them special occasions.
My grandpa's better from his pnemonia, but he still has the cancer. I don't know whats going to happen, he doesnt really want to go through chemo again, and hes being really cranky about it in some ways. It's so strange to see someone you have known for your whole life as being strong, independent, capable, and in charge in a situation where they are reduced drastically from that. My grandpa now looks really really old to me. Not that he didnt look old before, but it was always an adult, in charge, strong, wise old. Now he looks like my great grandmother once did long ago....weak, frail, worn out. He doesn't act the same either. He seems listless at times, less active. It's hard to fully explain. I just look at him now and see this very old man, not the active grandfather I always knew. It's very saddening and sobering. Change is all around me now. It always is, but this all seems so much. I think about how things used to be and am sometimes shocked at how different they seem to be all of a sudden. I don't remember noticing the slow decline of things. In particular of my family, the gatherings and way it functions. I remember my grandma and even my great grandma being there and being in charge along with my grandpa. Ellie was really young, Theresa seemed happier, the adults got along more, things were so much more in harmony; healthy and happy. Now gatherings are reduced to the barest of similarities. My grandmas are gone, my grandpa is weak and less participatory, Ellie is old and usually the one in charge, along with Theresa who has seeemed so stressed out and unhappy the last few times I've seen her (which makes me even more glad I don't want to have any children--i see what it's done to her!) It's just so strange to me, and I often wonder if anyone else notices it.
Writing about that was really random and I didn't plan it at all. Writing in here helps me flesh out so many ideas I have floating around in my head. I like that.
I should really just stop now, its so late and I have to get up early tomorow.
Thank you to everyone who reads this.
My grandpa's better from his pnemonia, but he still has the cancer. I don't know whats going to happen, he doesnt really want to go through chemo again, and hes being really cranky about it in some ways. It's so strange to see someone you have known for your whole life as being strong, independent, capable, and in charge in a situation where they are reduced drastically from that. My grandpa now looks really really old to me. Not that he didnt look old before, but it was always an adult, in charge, strong, wise old. Now he looks like my great grandmother once did long ago....weak, frail, worn out. He doesn't act the same either. He seems listless at times, less active. It's hard to fully explain. I just look at him now and see this very old man, not the active grandfather I always knew. It's very saddening and sobering. Change is all around me now. It always is, but this all seems so much. I think about how things used to be and am sometimes shocked at how different they seem to be all of a sudden. I don't remember noticing the slow decline of things. In particular of my family, the gatherings and way it functions. I remember my grandma and even my great grandma being there and being in charge along with my grandpa. Ellie was really young, Theresa seemed happier, the adults got along more, things were so much more in harmony; healthy and happy. Now gatherings are reduced to the barest of similarities. My grandmas are gone, my grandpa is weak and less participatory, Ellie is old and usually the one in charge, along with Theresa who has seeemed so stressed out and unhappy the last few times I've seen her (which makes me even more glad I don't want to have any children--i see what it's done to her!) It's just so strange to me, and I often wonder if anyone else notices it.
Writing about that was really random and I didn't plan it at all. Writing in here helps me flesh out so many ideas I have floating around in my head. I like that.
I should really just stop now, its so late and I have to get up early tomorow.
Thank you to everyone who reads this.
