That's about how I felt when I left EM lab today. I don't know why. I just feel so bad on myself for not doing all the things I want myself to do. I don't go to the gym, I sleep in late all the time, I don't work very hard on my schoolwork, and I'm not making any progress in the social area either. I feel like I have all this untapped power over my life. Like I realize it's possible for me to completely change and take control of things. I see that it is possible. But I just cannot do it! All I can do is feel bad or numb or depressed or alone. I'm definitely going to try to make an appointment with the doctor here tomorow. Because maybe they can give me some insight or help on whats going on or what I can do.
I am constantly worrying about what I am going to do my colloquium on. It's like a thorn in my side, I just wish I had some direction, I think it would make things easier. I've tried to look for stuff, ideas, but I haven't found anything. I have two take home tests I need to work on as well, and I don't know if I'm going to be able to on Thursday or not. I always seem to think things are farther away than they really are. I never realize how soon something is until it's too late. I need to try harder to figure things out and act more in advance. Sometimes I just want to go back to sleep. Earlier today I tried remembering last week. I couldn't remember it. I have no strong memories of anything that happened last week. It's almost like it didn't even exist. Kind of like all of a sudden I'm at school again. I was with Amanda, then boom, back to school. I know I was doing the same stuff last week, but I can't convince myself or remember it. Was I really here last week? Maybe I'm not even here anymore. I could have stopped existing a while ago, and I don't even know it yet. It's not like I have any real interactions or connections with people to prove my existence. Well, I know I exist, but sometimes it's hard to feel that way because I'm just so out of touch, out of everything. Yeah, maybe it is my fault, and I could change it, but sometimes there's only the smallest part of me that wants to. I'm too afraid to change things, to do new things, I'm much safer and secure and sure of things when I'm in my room, alone. I'm losing all desires to speak to people, to even try. I have to force myself to want to. And it's hard to every single day.
I feel very conflicted and lost. I don't know if I should focus on whats bad and try to fix it, or just try to have a positive attitude about things, and try to do things in that way instead.
My mind feels so jumbled sometimes. I don't know why, I wish I could make sense of things better, but I just feel so lost and foggy.
I have to do my radio show today. I really don't want to, I'm not in the mood at all. It gets boring, and I never screen my songs to see what other ones are clean to play any new songs. So its just the same songs, and me bored and alone as usual. Last week I played 3 or 4 Oasis because I knew no one was listening and I wanted to hear them. Maybe I should just go under the guise that no one's listening and play whatever I want, as many times as I want. *sigh* Music used to mean more to me, it used to touch me more and make me feel passionate and strong. Not anymore. I can't find any new music I like, I have no radio stations to listen to. And I've overdone all the music I loved before.
I don't know if anything can get through to me. I just don't know what to do. I just stumble through life aimless and out of control. I don't know how to take control. I don't know if I can.
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