i eat and i eat, but yet i hunger

I have major food problems. I eat, and I eat, but still, I am hungry. But that's not the issue.
I had pondered going to bed early tonight, alas, not happening.
I actually got some work done this evening. And my radio show! Was not what I had planned it to be.
I've been talking so much tonight to people online, somewhat unexpectedly, I dont really have a lot left in me to write in here.
I've discovered I actually still have people who care about me, and I care about. It's nice. Could be more real, but still, it's nice. It's nice to care about other people, who genuinely appreciate it and care and notice.
Stayed up till 3am talking with Miranda (I hope I helped, but I feel so useless when it comes to helping other people usually.) Worried about Jessica. Thought about Emily.
It's great to have an impact on other peoples lives. Well, its great to have a positive impact. I've had negative impacts on peoples lives far too much, and that is very very awful.
I want friends more and more now that I am getting teased with the idea of having them. I long to have someone to talk to or do something random with in the evening here. Or plan something on the weekend to do.
I'm so tired. I need sleep.

i'm confused

Ok, last night I sent Jessica an email saying that I was concerned about her and worried about her and that I loved her and missed her. I did this partly because her boyfriend who I was talking to at the time somewhat suggested that it might be helpful or nice. I just got an email back from her saying she doesn't want my help or conern or worry, and that she doesn't know what would make her come to me for help or to talk to, and that I flatter myself.
Suffice to say I am deeply upset by this. I'm crying as I type this. I don't know what the fuck is going on and I am incredibly upset and confused. I'm crying so hard. I dont know what the fuck I did to her. I feel so awful. I feel in shock. I can't stop crying. The only possible thing I can think that I could have done to upset her or piss her off is not talk to her very much or very often. But even tho it doesnt make up for it, she hasn't been making a huge effort to talk to me either. Nonetheless, I talked to her last week breifly when I got my REU and she didnt seem hostile or anything then. I'm feeling dizzy. I know I shouldnt let this affect me so, but its jsut so out of the blue. Especially with her boyfriend practically encouraging me to send her an email!
I'm trying to calm down.
I'm going to try to eat dinner.
I just don't know what to do.
I feel so awful.

negativity

Sometimes I feel like I'm an incredibly awful person who doesn't deserve anything. I don't deserve friends because I'm an awful friend, and I can't do anything right. I feel bad, I do bad. I should just completely cut myself out of the world; I'm practically there already. It seems everyone I've ever met would be better off without me. Either that or they don't know me at all. They don't even notice me. But I imagine if they ever did, I'd screw up their life somehow too. I am not a friend. I am the worst possible friend imaginable. Sometimes I just feel there's absolutely nothing worthwhile in me at all. I am afraid of anything. I have no courage. I have fear and I have sadness and self-loathing. And no one cares. And I don't expect them to.