ghanimasun (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ghanimasun) wrote2003-06-18 06:42 pm
ghanimasun) wrote2003-06-18 06:42 pm
saddness
Well I just found out that my grandpa has cancer. My mom told me he might have it a few days ago, but apparently they found out for sure now. My dad said he starts chemotherapy on friday.
The fact that he has cancer can't come as too much of a huge suprise. He has lung cancer, which was caused by working in coal mines for 40 years and for smoking for a long time. And he's also pretty old, so I should really be somewhat prepared for something of this nature to come along.
But I'm not.
I mean, its not a huge suprise, but its also not something I am really prepared to deal with. Although I am not like excruciatingly upset over this either. I think its harder for it to be real to me because I'm so far away from everything here. So I won't be there to be a part of all he goes through and all of what happenens. I won't see when he loses his hair on Friday, or any thing else that he or anyone goes through. This will make it all easier on me, which is good. Because I don't always handle some things well. I would probably be crying nonstop if I was there to witness it all.
I'm afraid for my cousin, Ellie. Because my grandpa is like her dad really. He raised her, along with my grandma, who died last year. I don't know what she would do if he is gone too. She's going to college next year, so its not like she'll be totally homeless or anything. But I don't know if she would really want to live at my house. That is one of her main choices. She could also live with one of my other cousins. Other than the practical aspects this is going to be terribly hard for her (and everyone) in so many other ways too. When my grandmother died, she had been declining for years and she wasn't really herself for quite a while. My grandpa is spry and active (as much as one can be in their seventies) and as much himself as ever.
He gave me 100 dollars when I came down here.
I went with him to the eye doctors a few days before I left.
I have spent countless evenings sitting with him on his porch listening to him tell me stories of his life.
It's really hard for me to concieve of the idea of him not being there, two houses away from me, at the bottom of the hill, like always.
(Randomly, and now I have to be subjected to hearing the guy I like talking to, inviting places and half flirting with the girl next door, while he easily ignores me without a second thought--does not help me feel any better!)
Anyway.
I don't have a clue as to what is going to happen to my grandpa, or my family for that matter.
I'm worried and I'm so scared. But its so easy for me to be so apart from the pain and not as affected because I'm apart from it all. So I guess I might end up feeling kind of guilty about that.
I wish I had gotten my grandfather's ability to talk to people, anyone and everyone all the time. He's one to talk a lot and tell all kinds of stories and do all kinds of things. I wish I could be like that. Instead I barely talk and go unnoticed and unwanted and uncared for throughout most of life.
I need to change.
The fact that he has cancer can't come as too much of a huge suprise. He has lung cancer, which was caused by working in coal mines for 40 years and for smoking for a long time. And he's also pretty old, so I should really be somewhat prepared for something of this nature to come along.
But I'm not.
I mean, its not a huge suprise, but its also not something I am really prepared to deal with. Although I am not like excruciatingly upset over this either. I think its harder for it to be real to me because I'm so far away from everything here. So I won't be there to be a part of all he goes through and all of what happenens. I won't see when he loses his hair on Friday, or any thing else that he or anyone goes through. This will make it all easier on me, which is good. Because I don't always handle some things well. I would probably be crying nonstop if I was there to witness it all.
I'm afraid for my cousin, Ellie. Because my grandpa is like her dad really. He raised her, along with my grandma, who died last year. I don't know what she would do if he is gone too. She's going to college next year, so its not like she'll be totally homeless or anything. But I don't know if she would really want to live at my house. That is one of her main choices. She could also live with one of my other cousins. Other than the practical aspects this is going to be terribly hard for her (and everyone) in so many other ways too. When my grandmother died, she had been declining for years and she wasn't really herself for quite a while. My grandpa is spry and active (as much as one can be in their seventies) and as much himself as ever.
He gave me 100 dollars when I came down here.
I went with him to the eye doctors a few days before I left.
I have spent countless evenings sitting with him on his porch listening to him tell me stories of his life.
It's really hard for me to concieve of the idea of him not being there, two houses away from me, at the bottom of the hill, like always.
(Randomly, and now I have to be subjected to hearing the guy I like talking to, inviting places and half flirting with the girl next door, while he easily ignores me without a second thought--does not help me feel any better!)
Anyway.
I don't have a clue as to what is going to happen to my grandpa, or my family for that matter.
I'm worried and I'm so scared. But its so easy for me to be so apart from the pain and not as affected because I'm apart from it all. So I guess I might end up feeling kind of guilty about that.
I wish I had gotten my grandfather's ability to talk to people, anyone and everyone all the time. He's one to talk a lot and tell all kinds of stories and do all kinds of things. I wish I could be like that. Instead I barely talk and go unnoticed and unwanted and uncared for throughout most of life.
I need to change.