randomly

emily and jess are in town this weekend. emily called to invite me to go see fireworks tomorow night with them. then she was asking me about my plans and stuff. how funny that something so innocent and just motivated by concern has caused me to feel so depressed. i feel like a failure compared with both of them. i dont hve a job, i cant handle getting one, nor living on my own. i cant handle jack shit. then my parents are trying to indirectly talk me out of it and/or doubt it. its sort of upsetting. everyone's bringing me down, though not all of them on purpose.
i feel very depressed again.
i went on a little hike with my dad today. it was short but alright. i felt better after that, but after my parents comments and talking with emily i'm already crushed again.
i hate being alone so i avoid doing anything that would require it. ill stay online or watch tv to avoid spending time alone in my room. i havent always been like that.
sometimes i feel like i should feel worse about my life than i do. but i dont particularly want to feel bad about my life, so i cant feel as bad as i think i should sometimes.
i've half given up on having a real career or job anytime soon. i'll be fucking impressed enough with myself i can pull off getting a job and holding down an apt and car with travis and paying all our bills. that'll be a first for both of us.
well, at least i have him. i'm happier with him than i would be with a "real" job and not having the love of my life.