a weekend, and ramblings

Well, I've been pretty shitty at writing in here every day. Although, sometimes I really havent had a lot of opportunity to.
This weekend Miranda came up to visit. It was also one of the most active, social weekends I've had this semester.
Friday we went to the mall, and rented a movie. It was nice, having someone to do stuff with like that. And of course it was really nice to see her again after about a year. I was glad we were able to talk to each other, although most of it was just being sarcastic or joking around, it was still really nice, for me at least.
Saturday after we ate some lunch we went to Nate's. He was having a LAN party, a bunch of people bring their computers and they all play games together. Emrys was there, and it was nice to see him again. There were some people I never saw before, and a few I have seen before, from going to church with Emrys back in the day, and hanging out with his friends a few times. For a few hours Miranda and I were pretty bored, then we started playing some game on the Xbox, which entertained us for a while. The other ppl would take breaks every now and again. Miranda started playing too after a while, so I just played on the Xbox and was bored for a while. I hung out with Nate's cat for a good while. Made me miss my cat though! Emrys talked to me during the last game some. Which I was very grateful for. One because I was really bored, and annoyed and sad about being alone and stuff, and two, because I enjoy talking to him, and didn't want to not talk to him when I had the opportunity to then.
I realzied that part of me will always be a little in love with him. I'll always love him, even though sometimes I get so angry or annoyed with him that I don't want anything to do with him. Its a new situation for me though. I don't really know how to be his friend sometimes. Sometimes I really want him in my life, and want to be best friends, sometimes I just think I should end it to save us both pain and frustration. We just talked about casual stuff, but it was good. I had been wanting to just talk to him one on one, but I didn't know if I would get the chance. I didn't have anything important or specific to say to him, I just wanted to spend some time with him. And eventually he stopped playing and decided to spend some time with me too. I think I notice things and think about some things, like that a little more than he does. I also realized that I don't know a lot about his life anymore. I don't know what he does with his time, how he's doing in school, if he's really happy about anything, or worried about stuff. Part of the reason I don't know a lot is my own doing. I know I wouldn't really enjoy hearing about all the stuff he does with his new girlfriend. It would force all my thoughts and fears to overwhelm me. About how much happier he is with her than ever with me, and how he probably regrets ever being with me. And he'll think I was awful compared to her, etc. I have inferred some stuff similar to that sometimes. That he's glad its over between us, and such. Which really, I am too. I mean, sometimes I just feel totally in love with him and would do anything to be with him again, but then a few minutes later, ration kicks in and I realize problems we had, how he isn't everything I want in a man, and how it probably wouldn't work, and wouldn't be for the best. But that doesn't stop me from feeling what I'm feeling. I don't know if it is unhealthy or selfish of me to feel these things. I don't know that it matters, because, no one cares, no one reading this cares if I am being selfish in my feelings towards Emrys. I don't think they affect him a lot either. I think he would like to tell me more about his life than he does, but he respects my feelings. Sometimes I think that he probably feels he would just be better off without me too. I'm so ultra sensitive to things, it gets in the way sometimes. I don't know how to be his friend; this situation, my exboyfriend having a new girlfriend, yet us trying to be friends still, is not something I know how to act appropriately for. I don't know what to do to be his friend, I dont know what to expect of him, or want from him, that would be right. I don't know that it matters. *sigh* I just looked out the window, and for no reason I can explain, I got really depressed. I dont even think it has anything to do with what I'm writing. Just on occasion, strong feelings of depression hit me, for no reason I can realize.
*sigh*
After being with people, and spending the weekend with Miranda and having so much fun, I'm getting more unhappy about being alone so much. It bothers me sometimes so much, but my only reaction to that is crying. I think about all my options here at school for socializing and not being alone. But they are few, and I am too....something....to push hard on people to spend time with them. I don't want to be someplace where nobody cares if I'm there or not, and nobody bothered to want me there. Maybe that's selfish of me, and I should just get over it and do anything and everything I can, and be pushy and make myself known. But I have issues, I guess. heh. And sometimes it's just as bad to be someplace where nobody even notices you, than to be all alone. Because when you're alone you don't have to see all the stuff you're not a part of. I guess its a little bit of ignorance being bliss. But its really not bliss, it's just not knowing what I'm missing, makes it easier to deal with not being a part of it.
I'm looking forward to going home this weekend. Although I'm concerned about my colloquium. About getting the actual thing put together, most of which I have nothing done on. I think if I don't worry about actually giving the presentation beforehand, or psych myself up for it, it wont be as bad. So I'm trying not to think about the actual thing, or trying to minimize it in my mind. Because I really am making it out to be much more than it is.
Back to looking forward to the weekend... Welp, I am. I guess I miss my family. I was just thinking today how much stuff seems to goes by at home, when I'm not around for it.
Sometimes writing in here just makes me confused a little. I have all this stuff to get out, but it all comes at once, or at different intervals. My mind thinks much faster than I can type or write, so I can never get out everything I want about one thing, before I think of something else. And if I don't talk about the next thing, I'll just end up forgetting it.
Well I have more to say, don't worry. I could probably write another entry this long later today. I don't have time anymore now though.

more ramblings from yours truly

I just got back from the Dance Show here. I debated on going, but the best way to do things sometimes, is not to think, so I just shut up and went. It was totally packed, I had to sat in the back. It was pretty good; it made me realize how dearly out of shape I am. I was hoping it might inspire me some, to get in shape and such. I think it did a little. I think it might wear off too in about 5 minutes. Because theoretically I could get up and go to the gym tomorow before I see the counsellor. But seeing as how I slept in today till 11, I dont know that I would be able to.
Now a little more about the weekend. (Good times...)I am glad Miranda had such a good time, as this was her vacation sort of. Though I feel bad that coming to see me and sit in my room is her vacation. But she enjoyed it, and thats what's important. I miss her being here. I know the past two years would have been a lot different for me if she was here. But oh well. It's really good that we're still in touch. At least I'm not losing everyone who once was my friend. It was also kind of interesting seeing Nate drunk, because he was swearing more, and being lightheartedly mean to people. Plus I rarely see drunk people. And he was really nice to me, while I was sitting bored on his couch, asking me if I was okay. We stayed at Nate's house till 7:30 am. And sadly, that was like the third time I'd stayed up all night. It was definitely the first time this year I've been up when the sun actually comes up. Very weird. I wish I had more opportunities to have fun like that more often. Although I think staying up like that screws me up, like naps do. Like as to what day it is and such. But we did sleep some when we got back. Yay sleep. Boo me sleeping too much. Boo me never working out and getting fat and out of shape.
FRELL!
I just wrote a bunch of stuff, and, of course, I lost it. Damn browser. I hit backspace and the whole stupid page goes back. GRRRR. That annoys the hell out of me.
Anyways.
I wrote about my dinner fun today. Some random dude invited me to sit with him, and two other random people. Well, not entirely random, I've seen them all around, but random in the sense that I've not talked to them any more than I have talked to most of the campus. Although the dude was a freshman, so I felt kind of like a loser, having to have little freshman be the one to invite me and have pity on me and such. Although I guess I am a loser, sitting alone all the damn time. I've been realizing lately how out of touch I am with things. How much my life frelling sucks beyond belief and how little there is to my life. I wish I knew what those damned pills would do for me. I don't know how the depression medication would affect me. I don't want to take something I don't know what its going to do to me. Will it help eliminate my apathy, and make me more determined, and driven? Or will they just make me feel fabricated happy or better. I'm too afraid to take things like that. I don't think I am too fond of anything that alters things in the body, like alcohol or drugs. The depression medication though, people seem to keep trying to convince me to take it. It's just so scary though, and unknown to me. I'd ask Jess about it, as she's taken it, but she's not responded to my email. I don't know if she ever will. I try not to think about it though, as she's made it clear she has no desire in having me in her life at the moment.
I kind of wish sometimes (a little) that I would have some kind of big emotional upheaval. Not like someone dying or somethign horrible like that. Definitely not. But maybe a fight with someone, in person. Some kind of thing where I could yell and scream maybe and have tons of emotions. Something where I just end up breaking down in some sense, crying, crying always helps me, and just pouring out lots of things in me. Maybe thats it, maybe I just need to get things out, and I just need some sort of (emotional) catalyst. And of course it would be nice to have someone who cares, to listen and be there for me. But I know now that there isn't at the moment. I mean, yeah there is in a sense. But some of the people I don't know if I would feel that comfortable with. And some of them wouldn't understand, or I just never see enough to really be able to. I just wish I had someone.
Sometimes I get sad about being alone, in the boyfriend sense. I know that if I truly wanted to be with someone no matter what, I could be with Rob, but I don't want to be. Yes, sometimes I dearly, deeply miss him. Most of the time I usually realize that it's not right. For either of us. If it's not right for both of us, then it's not right. And I'm somewhat talking to him on IM now and he's making me a little mad and upset. So I'm going to stop about him.
I know also that I don't think it would be good for me to be with someone right now. Because I need to be much better myself. I have a lot of stuff to work on for me. Sometimes when I think about the future though, I worry about not being able to find someone ever again. But its not a big deal really. Just a thought. There are other people who I wish could find someone to be with more than me at this point. But I don't know that there's anythign I can really do about that.
*sigh* My life feels so complicated and messed up sometimes, yet at the same time, it is so empty. In relation to my ex's it feels very messed up. I found out tonight that Shane is engaged. I don't know how its affecting me though. I don't think it is a lot, because I like never see him, and I randomly talk to him online. I don't really make an effort to keep in touch with him, because I don't think I could really.
Anyways, I dont know what to say anymore. I've gone from being okay to being depressed to being okay about three times over the course of writing this. Part of it due to conversations I'm having on IM, and part of it, just my own freakish sensitivities and insanity.
I wish I knew how to fix my life. I wish I could have some kind of big thing that would impact me and make me move. I wish I knew what to do. Besides cry and be depressed. Sometimes I can't help but think I deserve the pain I'm in. I think writing is making me more upset right now. It's easier to stop dealing and thinking about my failures and inabilities. Distracting myself dulls the pain of being so alone.